Pre-Marital
Empathy: Marital Glue

·         You know that communication is a central ingredient to a successful marriage.  You also certainly know that conflict management needs to be well defined since you will have disagreements at some point along the way.  And you are surely aware that sexual intimacy is an important part of keeping the marriage vibrant and alive.  But none of these qualities stands a chance of being an ongoing part of your tool box of positive skills without steady amounts of empathy.

·         More than a technique to learn or skill to perform, empathy is a mindset that is a primary determinant of the success or failure of your union.  Empathy can be defined as the ability to understand another person’s feelings and perspectives from that individual’s point of view.

·         Suppose a wife hangs up the phone after a call from a family member and it is clear that she is emotionally shaken.  As she tells her husband about the conversation it can be tempting for him to say, “It seems to me that you ought to…”  That would not represent empathy.   But if he said something like, “Your sister must have said something that really made you feel upset, and it’s hard to know just how to come to terms with her.”  That could be an empathetic response.

·         Being empathetic means you are willing to set aside your agenda long enough to tune into your partner.  Your mate will sense that you have respect and concern to offer, so each time you communicate with an understanding attitude, you are building a bridge of good will.  Empathy allows you to connect at the heart level and it readies your partner to receive you as a true intimate.

·         Ideally, empathy would have been modeled for you by your parents during your developmental years.  They had hundreds of opportunities to explore your emotions with you, allowing you to experience how deeper communication works.  For instance:

·         As a toddler, lots of floor time would be spent with you as Mom and Dad would smile and show general attentiveness and encouragement.  Their message would be, “You are in the presence of a safe person.”

·         As a grade school child, time would be given to discussing your feelings and needs as they demonstrate a desire to know who you are and what makes you tick.  They might instruct, yes, but more powerfully, they would show a concern for your insides.

·         As a teen, discussions could center on the varying issues common to that period of life:  your insecurities, what makes you feel frustrated, your involvements with the opposite sex, efforts to discern your values, and so forth.  High emphasis would be given to understanding your perspective.

·         Don’t feel sheepish if you recall that little emphasis was given to the discussion of personal and emotional matters during your early years.  Typically, families focus on giving advice or applying answers to immediate problems.  Most families meant well even if the communication was not as personal as you might have needed.  Even if empathy was less than ideal in your past, you can still learn its ways.

·         As you look back onto your years of early development, how well were emotional and personal needs understood and explored?

·         How did your family history affect your current ability to delve into emotional matters?

·         What priority do you now place on being one who shows understanding to the emotions and perceptions of another person?

·         How do you compare your ability to explore emotions with your partner’s ability to explore emotions?

·         What will be your greatest challenge as you attempt to openly display fullest understanding toward your partner?

Keys To Being An Empathetic Person

·         Like most good traits, empathy requires concentration.  Your ability to be an empathetic person will lie in direct proportion to your willingness to develop new habits.  Let’s examine four keys to becoming empathetic.

Key #1.  Listening

·         While it may seem elementary to say that you need to be a good listener to become an empathetic person, this is a skill not shared by large numbers of people.  Most people hear what is said, which is not the same as listening.

·         When you truly listen to another person, you are attempting to discern more than the words spoken.  What is the context of this person’s expression?  What emotional pitch is being used?  How important does the subject seem to be?  Why does this person want me to hear what is being spoken?  

·         To be a successful listener, you will need to genuinely care about the person in front of you.  You may not really care about the subject being discussed, but your regard for the person can cause you to set aside your personal agenda long enough to honor the individual with your undivided attention.

·         In what circumstances are you most effective as a listener?  What does your behavior convey in those moments?

·         In what circumstances do you struggle to be an effective listener?  What does your behavior convey in those moments?

·         How well do you feel your partner listens to you?  In what circumstances do you think your partner might struggle to be the most effective listener?

·         What is the connection between listening and honoring?

·         How would you need to adjust your priorities to improve as a listener?

Key #2.  Being Patient.

·         Too many spouses treat conversations as an opportunity to solve problems or trade stories.  These are not necessarily wrong things to do, but when answer-giving is given first priority, it squashes the potential for empathy.  Your eagerness to go straight to the bottom line can be construed as a lack of regard for the feelings being expressed.

·         A patient form of communication is anchored in the realization that communication represents a chance to process ideas without pressure to hurry and solve problems.  By letting the other person say what needs to be said uninterrupted, you illustrate that you are not in the business of molding that person into your image, but that you want freedom of expression to be central to your relationship.

·         In patience you can ask follow up questions.  You can rephrase what you hear the other person conveying.  You can simply nod with a friendly smile.  You can comment on the emotion that is evident in the person’s speech.  (“Wow, I can tell you’re really excited,” or “I’m sorry, that must have been disappointing.”)

·         What might be the primary benefits of allowing patience to be a part of your communication package?

·         In what circumstances would patience feel unnatural?

·         How would you like your partner to show patience when you are communicating, whether it is a serious topic or a frivolous topic?

·         By not going straight to the bottom line when your partner tells you something, how would your communication become richer?

Key #3.  Self Restraint

·         By now you may be thinking that empathy is easier said than done, and you would be right.  When you genuinely empathize, you let the other person take center stage in the communication process.  You realize that it’s not all about you.  Your ego is set aside as you allow the other person to feel important.

·         Successful marriages are typified by servitude, and empathetic listening is one of the most powerful ways of saying, “I want your world to be better because of my presence in it.”  You can find satisfaction in knowing that your willingness to truly hear your partner helps that person find contentment.

·         Slow down long enough to contemplate how easily you can turn a conversation back onto your own pet subjects.  If someone tells you about a vacation experience, you might say, “Oh, that reminds me of a time when I…”  Or perhaps a friend confides about an argument with that person’s spouse and you reply, “Yeah, my spouse and I had the same thing happen…”  Rather than asking follow up questions or showing attention to the person’s feelings, it is tempting (sometime it’s automatic) to turn the subject back onto oneself.

·         Empathetic communicators do not feel the need to immediately inject their experiences into the conversation.  This does not mean they never self-disclose or compare personal experiences, but that they show interest toward the other person first.

·         Why might it feel unnatural to use self restraint when you are in discussions with your partner?

·         How would the quality of your communication go up as your use of self restraint also goes up?

·         When would you like your partner to show more self restraint?

·         How do you feel about injecting an attitude of servitude into your communication?

Key #4.  No Judgment

·         When someone is speaking to you, no matter how simple the subject, it is easy to think in judgmental terms.  Admit it.  You may think something like, “That’s ridiculous,” or “I can’t believe you let that bother you,” or “You need to grow up.”  Much of the exchange between yourself and others involves an ongoing assessment of how closely that person’s interpretation of life matches yours.

·         In the world of personal exchanges you are likely to generate greater good will when you suspend the need to judge, accepting the other person at face value.  If the other person is upset by something that does not bother you, don’t judge.  Try instead to decipher that individual’s reasoning.  If the other person has interests that bore you, allow for the differences in the topics that energize each person.

·         What are some judgmental comments you are likely to think as you listen to your partner’s feelings or explanations about life matters?

·         When might you feel your partner is inclined to judge you?

·         How can you know that a person is truly listening without a judgmental spirit?

·         How does a non-judgmental spirit enhance marital love?

·         An alternative to judgmental communication is descriptive communication.  Being attentive to what you see and hear when the other expresses ideas, you can describe your interpretation of that person’s experience. 

·         For instance, when a person talks about a happy moment, you could pass judgment by saying, “You did good.”  However, your descriptive response could be, “Sounds like you had a red letter day; no wonder you’re wearing that smile.”  When that same person tells you about a major disappointment, your judgmental mindset might prompt you to say. “What a failure.”  Your descriptive mindset, however, might generate a response like, “You were expecting one outcome, but something entirely different happened.  I’m guessing that caught you off guard.”

·         Descriptive communication requires some imagination.  How could you train yourself to cease judgments so you could imaginatively describe the fuller picture?

·         How would descriptive communication enhance relational closeness?

When Empathy Is Needed Most

·         There are varying levels of communication that is part of any relationship.  For instance, on a superficial level, you may talk about the weather or what you will buy at the grocery store.  On a deeper level, you might discuss painful feelings associated with your history of feeling manipulated or abused by a former friend.  In between are various degrees of self disclosure. 

·         It is easy to show empathy (though it does not always happen) when the subject is light and fluffy.  For instance, when your partner says he is happy because of a success at work, it is easy to say, “Hey, that’s great!  Sounds like you’ve had a great day.”  But can you be as natural in your empathy when the topic is more difficult?

·         Suppose your partner approaches you, expressing disappointment in the way you managed a family problem. Tension is in his voice and it is clear that he is displeased.  Your normal response could be defense.  “Why are you accusing me like this?  Besides, you responded poorly last week when…”  Would you instead be willing to set aside your defense and show empathy, even if you truly believe your mate is in error?  “I’m hearing you say that you were expecting one thing from me and I didn’t deliver as you would have liked.  I guess you’re pretty disgusted right now.”

·         Showing empathy does not require you to be a human doormat.  Nor does it mean that you agree with what is conveyed.  Likewise it does not require that you suppress your feelings or perspectives.  It does mean, though, that you are willing to demonstrate understanding toward the other person just as you would like to be shown understanding.  As you establish yourself as one who cares about the other’s notions, you short circuit problems.

·         Very few couples respond to tense accusations with empathy, yet once they learn to do so, they recognize how powerful of a powerful tool is.   The other person likes to feel understood!  When that understanding is apparent, it begins the process of dissolving the need for anger.  It keeps love alive even when differences are present.

·         Think of moments when you tend to defend first and try to understand later.  How would your communication change for the better if you reversed this trend?

·         Let’s suppose you are hurt or frustrated with your partner but instead of receiving a tense, defensive response, that person shows understanding.  How would this impact your response?

·         Why do you suppose it is so natural to defend and unnatural to empathize when tensions are evident?

·         Why might it feel risky to be the first one to show empathy?  (We all like it when the other person shows empathy first.)

Letting Go Of Control

·         Those who show empathy are not as interested in being in control as they are in being a steadying force in the relationship.  But guess what… they are the ones most in control.

·         The more you try to control, the more out of control you become.  The less controlling you are, the more in control you are.  Empathy brings a settling element to a relationship whereas control is unsettling.  Empathy encourages while control discourages.  Empathy affirms, but control invalidates.  Empathy is loving, while control is demeaning.

·         In what circumstances do you falsely convince yourself that you must control the other person’s perceptions so you can find peace?

·         How would your inner character be more calm as you let go of the illusion that you can or should control another person?

·         How does the use of empathy increase your influence?  Contrast this with the way control decreases your influence.

Covert Messages

·         Whether you are aware or not, every time you communicate you send two levels of messages, overt (the spoke word) and covert (the unspoken attitude).  Let’s go through a few scenarios to see if you can determine the power of covert messages.

·         A husband is annoyed with his wife because she completely forgot dinner plans.  When he arrives at home and realizes she is on a different wavelength, he sighs and says that he’d like her to hurry and get ready to go to the dinner.  She snaps at him and says, “You act like you’ve never forgotten anything in your life.  I don’t need your rotten attitude.”

·         What might the husband be covertly hearing?

·         How might the wife respond with empathy?

·         How would that change her covert messages?

·         By sighing and looking tense, what covert message might the husband send?

·         Let’s suppose a wife is explaining to her husband that she is disappointed in the way he ignored her mother when they were visiting at the mother’s home. 

·         She is trying to speak calmly but he snaps at her saying he thinks her mother is way too sensitive and that she’s making a big deal over nothing.

·         What covert message is the wife likely to receive?

·         How does the husband’s tense response affect the emotions between the two?

·         What would be a more appropriate response the husband could make in such a discussion?

·         How would empathy affect the outcome of the discussion?

·         The wife is emotionally wrung out because her son has been on a tear all day long and she is at her wits end with him. 

·         The husband senses that she’s had a bad day so he lectures her saying she’s got to learn not to let the boy bother her so much.  He says she’s too thin skinned and that she needs to show the son who’s in charge. 

·         What covert messages is the wife likely to hear?

·         What empathetic message is she probably wanting to hear?

·         How would empathy take the conversation into a more productive direction?

·         How would the husband’s influence be improved if he showed empathy?

·         If you have ever felt frustrated, annoyed, or agitated, you know what it is like to wish for someone to illustrate an understanding of you at the most elementary level. 

·         You will know you have mastered the art of empathy when you can give to your partner the understanding you wish you could have...especially when the subject is less than pleasant.