Pre-Marital
Life Habits

·         While much of the preparation for marriage involves being synchronized in relationship and emotional matters, there is more to be considered.  Involved in merging two lives together are business matters as well as general life style trends.  While you do not have to have sameness in all habits and practices, you will do yourselves a great favor by thinking some of the common details carefully in advance.  That will be our task in this segment.

·         Let’s first look at the business side of marriage.  Perhaps you have heard the notion that you can tell a lot about a person by examining their use of money.  Some individuals have large amounts of money for their monthly consumption, yet have little substance to show for their efforts.  Others, however, may have much smaller amounts of money to work with, yet they make it through each month with extra coins to spare.  It is all a part of a mind-set that directs the individual’s approach to responsibility.

·         Examine your beginning notions about the use of money in general.  Clearly, you have to pay the bills, but beyond that, your money can go into many different directions, depending on your philosophy of managing it.

·         When you have spare cash, what do you prefer to do with it?  Buy extras?  Save it?  Get a bigger house or a better car? 

·         Would you consider yourself an impulse spender or a deliberate spender?  How will this affect your relationship with your partner?

·         How closely should a couple follow a set monthly budget?  Explain your reasoning.

·         What beliefs do you have about giving money to charitable organizations?

·         Would you ever loan money to a friend or family member?  Why or why not?

·         Should you keep all your money in joint accounts or is it ok to have a His Fund and a Her fund?  Why?

·         How much money should be set aside for retirement and savings?  How will this impact your monthly budget?

·         What concerns do you have about your partner’s habits in either making money or spending it?

·         How long do you think you will need a second income?  Do you intend for one of you to cease working at some point in the future?

·         How will you decide on the ways you prioritize money when you are not in complete agreement?

·         Along with money management is the need to coordinate your use of time.  Some individuals believe it is necessary to work twelve hours per day.  Some want to put in no more than thirty hours toward work.  Some are highly punctual, others could care less about punctuality.  Some are fast shoppers, others take their time when they are in stores.  Some like to sleep long hours, others believe this is a waste of time.

·         The point is that time management can bring out very different tendencies that are crucial to coordinating life. 

·         How satisfied are you in your use of this precious commodity?

·         How would you describe your overall approach to time management?  How does this compare to your partner?

·         How important is punctuality to you?  How could your approach to punctuality help or hinder the marriage?

·         What about sleep habits?  When do you tend to go to bed and rise each day?  How will this compare to your partner’s habits?

·         How much time should be devoted to work and career building?  How will work requirements help or hinder the marriage? 

·         What specific plans do you have to keep the marriage thriving even as you pursue career goals?

·         What about leisure time?  In what ways do you spend spare time separately from your partner?   How will you come to terms with those differences?

·         How important is it that you budget time daily or weekly to just touch base with each other?  Is it reasonable to expect that time be spent every day in quality communication as a couple?

·         In general, how does your use of time communicate the depth of your love for each other?

·         Along with your management of money and time, there is significance in the ways you organize your life each day.  Some individuals are known as organizing life on the fly, while others have very specific ideas about how events should be.  It is impossible to say which style is the best, but let’s agree that the farther apart you are in your overall organization of life, the more you will be required to work at damage control.

·         Let’s look at several common aspects of keeping a household in order, with the idea that you and your partner rate yourselves on the priority of each.  (1=not at all important, 5=very important)

·         Having meals prepared at home most nights

1    2    3    4    5

·         Putting clothes away as soon as they are not in use

1    2    3    4    5 

·         Shopping for groceries each week

1    2    3    4    5

·         Doing laundry on a scheduled basis

1    2    3    4    5

·         Keeping the kitchen sink clear of dirty dishes

1    2    3    4    5

·         Cleaning the bath and shower areas regularly

1    2    3    4    5

·         Maintaining the thermostat at a predictable temperature

1    2    3    4    5

·         Keeping the cars clean and clear of clutter

1    2    3    4    5

·         Maintaining a picture perfect yard

1    2    3    4    5

·         Throwing away paper, magazines, or anything else that could quickly pile up

1    2    3    4    5

·         Making the bed each day and keeping all areas of the house neat

1    2    3    4    5

·         Keeping the house vacuumed and dusted

1    2    3    4    5

·         Keeping animals in your home

1    2    3    4    5

·         Having a designated person to pay the bills on a fixed schedule

1    2    3    4    5

·         While none of the items to the right represents topics you would want to communicate deeply about, they matter in the quality of life you will enjoy.  There is no need to fix a right or wrong answer to the importance that should be given to each topic, yet you will have increased tension if you are not reasonably coordinated regarding these matters.  It is in the small elements of life that power plays arise, and when they are not easily resolved, tensions can turn into resentments.

·         Of the above items of general organization, which three have the potential to be most controversial in your home?  Why?

·         How can you plan in advance to keep these potential tensions from being hindrances to marital harmony?

·         How will you decide who is responsible for the various domestic chores in your home?

·         What attitude can your partner expect from you as you coordinate these matters?

·         Marriage is not meant to be a relationship so set apart from all other relationships that you live in isolation from outside influences.  You each will presumably have friends who would like to spend time with you, and you will probably have hobbies and favorite activities that may take time away from each other.  This is normal.

·         Once again, it is not the presence of separate preferences that can become potentially problematic, but your attitude about them is what matters most.

·         What hobbies or favorite activities do you have that your mate does not share?

·         What is a reasonable budgeting of time and resources that would allow you to still enjoy those activities while continuing to demonstrate a loyalty to the marriage?

·         What friends or acquaintances do you have that the other is not fond of?  What is a fair way you can maintain those relations without offending your partner?

·         Knowing that your partner may have different social preferences, what are you willing to do to show that you can stretch and participate in new adventures?

·         One of the common expectations that couples have is bringing children into the family.  Having your own kids can be extremely gratifying but it is life changing. 

·         While you may not be able to precisely plan what kind of family you will have, it is preferable that you have similar ideas about those expectations.  If couples are not in agreement on this subject, the repercussions could be quite serious.

·         What ideas do you have about having children?  Do you want a small family or a large one?  How will this be determined?

·         What about the timing of bringing children into the equation?  What is your preference?

·         As you bring children into the family, how will this effect career plans?

·         What role models of parenting have you each had?  What do you like about models you have been exposed to?  In what ways will you differ from those models?

·         Finally, let’s look at your associations with groups and organizations.  It is highly unlikely that you will go through your entire adult life without having some sort of civic activities. 

·         These can be quite gratifying, but there is always the potential that extra activities can interfere with family obligations.  As with the other factors we have mentioned in this section, planning and sensitivity to the marriage is crucial.

·         What has been your history of membership in social or civic organizations?

·         What expectations do you have regarding the participation in church or religious organizations?

·         What expectations do you have about professional events to attend?  How do you feel about your partner being out of town at conventions or meetings?

·         Would you ever be involved in sports leagues?  How will that impact your marital priorities?

·         Would you like to belong to social clubs such as a neighborhood supper club?  Would you anticipate being involved in community volunteer organizations?  Why or why not?

·         Assuming kids come along, what extra activities would you anticipate they would be involved in?  What limits should you have with children’s activities?

·         In general, when are organizational commitments good for the marriage and when might they detract from the marriage?