Pre-Marital
Handling Conflict - When, Not If

·         Presumably you are of the opinion that you will have a marriage that will consist of enough cooperation to ward off the ill affects of conflict.  By choosing to marry you probably maintain an assumption that there is enough good will to help the two of you through tough moments.  You would have no reason being married if you did not have confidence in your ability to harmonize in the midst of differences.

·         No marriage, however, is populated with perfect individuals, therefore, no marriage will be void of tensions.  A successful marriage is not demonstrated by the absence of conflict, but by the maturity with which conflict is handled.  You can determine more about the true strength of a relationship by the attitudes conveyed when difficulties arise.

·         The subjects that may be central to conflicts can be quite varied.  There are predictable subjects that couples tend to argue about:  money, in-laws, schedules, children, intimacy patterns, general expectations, and the like.

·         Likewise, couples will admit that minor matters can somehow erupt into major blow-ups, not because the subject is so important but because the manner in which the subject is discussed is counter-productive.  Knowing this, it is wise to set aside time to consider your trends and patterns in conflict resolution.

·         Before looking into your tendencies, let’s get historical a moment.  Your formative years certainly had moments of conflict and tension, meaning you had models, either good or bad, who showed how those tensions could be handled.  As a child and adolescent you were a student of human nature, whether you knew it at the time or not, who was making mental notes of how problems could be approached.

·         In your formative years, how was conflict handled in your home?

·         What did you tend to do in those years when you were drawn into conflict?

·         What would you change today about those historical tendencies?

·         More recently, as an adult, how have you chosen to handle conflicts?

·         What bad habits were you prone to in male/female relations prior to this one?

FIVE RESPONSES TO CONFLICT

·         Whether you consciously think about it or not, choices are enacted each time you respond to conflict.  For instance, if you are at home with a family member you may speak much more forcefully than you would if you were at your place of business with a valued customer.  At some level of consciousness you decide in each situation what would be allowable and what would not.

·         Because marital expectations for intimacy can be so strong, the potential exists for responses to threats against that intimacy to be strong.  Husbands and wives have been known for saying things to each other when they feel threatened that they would never utter to anyone else.  Often, the courtesy given to strangers is not offered on the home front because the emotional desires at home can be so strong that emotions are exponentially intense.

·         To prevent those tensions from getting out of hand, let’s examine five options you have as you engage with each other in moments of disagreement.

1.  The Suppression Of Emotions

·         Some mates have decided that open disclosure of needs and feeling is so risky that they determine to hold in emotions as tightly as possible.  This can be caused by historical experiences in which the expression of emotions was met with such punishing force that the individual dares not be open again. 

·         Or perhaps it is caused by a commitment to secrecy, thus allowing the suppressor to feel in control.  Maybe it is fueled by a sense of defeat, driven by the assumption that open discussions will get no good result.  Sometimes people suppress their emotions as a way to seem above the fray, to appear falsely superior.

·         First, let’s get a sense of your tendencies to suppress.

·         When are you most inclined to keep your emotions close to the vest?

·         What do you hope to accomplish by suppressing emotions?

·         What fear drives your tendency to suppress?

·         When you suppress, what affect does this tend to have on your partner?

·         For whatever reason a person suppresses, the results tend not to be good.  Inwardly, the suppressed emotions tend to make the individual susceptible to problems like depression, resentment, futility, and disillusionment.  Outwardly, suppressed emotions leave the other person feeling shut out, ignored, deceived, or unwanted.  As the suppression of feelings and thoughts increases, the marriage relationship becomes increasingly adversarial since the partner is likely to feel that the relationship has been reduced to game-playing.

·         As an alternative, open disclosure is a possibility.  Not the same as brutal honesty, open disclosure involves the willingness to share and discuss problematic feelings for the purpose of knowing and being known.  Open marriage partners recognize that the relationship is about teamwork, meaning they value staying as coordinated as possible.

·         How important is it to you to have an ongoing habit of expressing feelings and needs openly?

·         Would you be willing to set aside routine times (preferably each day) to disclose details about your feelings and life circumstances?

2.  Aggressive Communication

·         Some are not at all shy about telling others how they feel to the extent that they can overpower the other person.  While it is good to get needs and feelings out in the open, these folks make the mistake of getting feelings off their chest without regard for the ways it adversely affects the others involved.

·         Aggressive communication has the distinction of being forceful to the extent that the other person is not allowed the flexibility to have unique feelings or perceptions. You can know that you are in the aggressive mode when you use traits like brash communication, sarcasm, blame, accusation, name calling, sharp criticism, open agitation, yelling, cursing, being argumentative, and being physical.  Likewise, your tone of voice is likely to be coercive and insistent.

·         In what ways are you inclined to communicate with aggression?

·         What common circumstances could trigger aggressive communication?

·         Why do you choose the aggressive approach?  What are you hoping to accomplish with this form of communication?

·         What models of aggressiveness have you been exposed to in years past?

·         Little good comes from aggressive communication since the recipient is likely to feel insulted or invalidated, meaning you get poor results.  What is more, when you communicate in this manner, you are likely to feel dissatisfied once it has run its course.  Few people have increased contentment in the aftermath of aggressive episodes.

·         In your experience, what is the likely response when you are forceful and harsh in your approach to conflict resolution?

·         When you have communicated aggressively, what affect does it have on yourself?

·         What do you think would be the long term effects of consistent aggression on your marriage?

·         Most of the time when people communicate aggressively there can be a valid message that needs to be sent, yet the method is so distasteful that it is not conveyed.  Your task is to pull back the intensity of the communication and say what is legitimate while also maintaining dignity.  This adjustment would require you to have a sufficient amount of self restraint.

·         What would motivate you to drop aggression and use self restraint as you discuss conflict with your mate?

·         How could your partner help you in your efforts to be less aggressive and more dignified in addressing conflict?

3. Passive Aggressive Communication

·         If aggressive communication represents an invalidating mindset, passive aggressive communication indicates a quiet stubbornness that seeks to dismiss the other person, but with the least amount of emotional vulnerability.  The use of passive aggressive behavior is motivated by a desire to be in control but without having to expose reasoning that could be potentially disruptive.

·         Examples of passive aggressive communication include the silent treatment, being emotionally evasive, giving half hearted efforts, procrastinating, laziness, failing to meet promises, being chronically late, refusing to cooperate with common sense goals, and clinging to an “I don’t care” attitude. 

·         What forms of passive aggressive communications might you be prone to?

·         Why do you choose to be quietly stubborn or uncooperative (as opposed to talking things out openly)?

·         In what circumstances are you most inclined to be passive aggressive?

·         Ultimately when you participate in passive aggressive communication, your conflicts not only will continue, but will worsen. This form of communication is insulting since it implies that you have very low trust in your partner and refuse to disclose what you really feel or need.  It leaves the other person feeling powerless, and since healthy marital communication is not anchored in power plays, it is destined to create additional friction.

·         In the short term passive aggressive communication can send an “I’ll show you who’s boss” message.  But in the long term, it leaves the partner assuming that you are insecure and unwilling to engage in the relationship when it requires a flexible spirit.

·         What would you be willing to adjust as you set aside any tendency to be passive aggressive?

·         Instead of passive aggressive communication, what would you prefer as a better alternative?

·         How can your partner assist you as you make the effort to minimize passive aggressive communication?

4. Assertive Communication.

·         When you approach conflict with assertiveness, you demonstrate a commitment to transparency, being direct about your needs and feelings but with respect and sensitivity.  Assertive partners recognize that it is good to be open about what they feel, but they are be careful to treat the partner in an affirming manner.  Part of the definition of assertiveness is directness accompanied by decency.

·         Once married there will be many reasons to speak assertively with each other.  You will have differing perceptions that need to be discussed.  You will have moments when you feel needs have not been adequately addressed.  You could have the need to discuss how you feel misunderstood and sometimes dismissed. 

·         In those less than ideal moments, you can determine to address the matter at hand, but in a constructive fashion that allows love to remain intact.  This will take discernment and self restraint, but couples who master assertiveness are the ones who do not let resentments build.

·         How do you feel about your partner speaking frankly and directly with you about disagreements and hurts?

·         How will you know that each of you is committed to clean assertiveness in those moments of conflict?

·         What adjustments might you need to make to ensure that your communications toward your partner are assertive and not aggressive?

·         How could the relationship be enhanced by assertiveness?

·         Assertiveness can take many forms.  You can say no when necessary.  You can ask for assistance when in need.  You can set stipulations and boundaries.  You can be immediate when talking about problems.  You can be firm in living out your convictions.

·         As you maintain a consistent pattern of assertiveness, you remove vagueness from the relationship and you prioritize truth.  Couples who hold back in expressing valid needs live with the potential for resentment and disillusionment.  But those who discretely discuss problems with one another keep the emotional slate clean, leaving room for increased good will and camaraderie.

·         Ultimately assertiveness can be understood as a form of expressing love.  No one likes having to address problems, but your love for one another will prompt you to discuss difficulties so the problems will not grow deeper.  Assertiveness represents your willingness to keep a clean personal slate.

·         What assurances can you give your partner that you will communicate within conflict with tact and diplomacy leading the way?

·         How could assertiveness be used in your relationship as an indicator of love?

·         What would you like your partner to do to assure you that conflicts will be a matter of positive communication?

5.  Picking Battles Carefully.

·         Sometimes the best way to manage conflict is to know when not to engage in it at all.  It’s called picking your battles carefully. 

·         Not all differences need to be discussed.  Now, let’s not take this to mean that it is reasonable to dodge difficult topics due to fear or a need to control.  Nonetheless, it is reasonable to assume that couples will not ever think or feel the same about every topic, and the most loving way to resolve the tension is to accept that reality.

·         How do feel about the prospect that you and your partner will not always be on the same page in marital matters?

·         When it is apparent that the two of you will not be able to come to agreement, how willing are you to agree to disagree?

·         When you determine to pick your battles carefully, there are several traits you will need to invoke:  forgiveness, tolerance, patience, self-restraint, trust, kindness, grace, mercy, respect, freedom.  These might be referred to as your higher priorities.  Rather than letting anger take over, you can determine to be known for a flexible, pliable spirit.

·         How natural is it for you to be a forgiving, tolerant person?

·         What could your partner do to help you feel comfortable in choosing to invoke these higher priorities when necessary?

·         What assurances could you give to your mate to indicate that you will not be one who is stubbornly uncooperative on a frequent basis?

·         You each can determine to develop a reputation as individuals who will not dwell on the negatives, but will choose battles carefully.  When you do, trust can develop.  You can feel comfortable in knowing that conflicts will not be given any more energy or attention than is necessary.

·         To ensure that conflicts will be handles with dignity, keep in mind the RESPECT model of communication:

·         Refrain from insulting words or harsh language.

·         Empathy is given highest priority.

·         Seek the other’s input willingly.

·         Patience is used over and over.

·         Encouragement is used far more than criticism.

·         Confession is a strength.

·         Trustworthiness will be a sacred commitment.

·         Of the qualities listed in the RESPECT model, which two will be your greatest challenge?

·         Which two would you want you partner to emphasize most?  Why?

·         One final thought.  When the same conflict is repeated or when the same troublesome patterns arise, it could indicate that you are operating with psychological or relational blind spots.  In that case, it could be helpful to seek assistance from a counselor or from trusted friends who could hold you accountable.  There is nothing noble about making the same mistakes over and over. 

·         What are your thoughts about seeking counseling or accountability if the need arises?