Pre-Marital
Family Influences

·         When you were a child, whether you realized it or not, you were absorbing information about the ways life unfolds.  You took mental notes on all sorts of subjects:  how meals should be handled, how to respond to arguments, how to handle money, how things are organized, how much alcohol could be consumed, how to act when relatives visit, how to manage responsibilities, what to do when you felt hurt, how to be conversational, and how to disclose problems.

·         Those notes are now tucked away in your mind and will influence you (either positively or negatively) for the rest of your life.  Your partner, likewise, has a notebook full of mental notes that wields its influence.  Those two sets of lessons will eventually have to be known and blended as you attempt to meld into one unit.

·         It is extremely common for newlyweds to compare notes as they go about the task of familiarizing themselves with each other.  For instance, let’s suppose the husband stares at the TV all Sunday afternoon and the wife thinks, “My dad never watched TV and he was always attentive to us kids.  Why is my husband being so aloof?”  The husband may consider his behavior innocent but the wife considers it offensive. 

·         As another example, let’s suppose a couple is about to go out for a social event and the wife begins instructing her husband about the best ways to handle her friend’s social anxieties.  The husband thinks, “My mother used to nag my dad and she gave me useless advice all the time, now my wife is doing the same thing.  Is this what I have to live with for the next fifty years?”

·         We tend to interpret one another based on the familiar themes that are part of personal history.  If you had a parent who raged easily, for instance, you will probably be overly sensitive when your spouse speaks with a forceful tone of voice.  If you had a parent who doted, you are likely to feel offended if your mate is less attentive.  If you had rigid rules it is probable that you will balk when you perceive your mate as inflexible.

·         In general, what are some of the primary trends from your childhood that seemed to define the ways your family related?

·         What have you already observed about your partner’s family that is quite different from your original family?

·         What tendencies from your family of origin do you wish to discard?

·         What tendencies from your family of origin will you probably keep?

·         What tendencies from your partner’s family do you want to keep and which tendencies do you want to discard?

·         Let’s break your histories down further so you each can discern how to keep what is best from your personal histories and shed the parts that may feed dysfunction. We’ll begin with your memories of each parent.

·         List five traits that were central to your father’s manner of relating with the family:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

·         How have those qualities impacted the way you think and feel today?

·         What about your mother?  List five traits that were central to her relational style:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

·         How have your mother’s tendencies impacted your adult way of life?

·         In general, how did each parent handle conflict?

·         What bad habits do you still carry that are part of your family’s history?  How do you intend to address them?

·         What positive traits did your family instill in you that will serve you best in your marriage?

·         Looking beyond the influences of your parents, let’s think about some of the experiences you had with extended family members or close friends.  Who would you cite as the five most influential people in your developmental years beyond your parents?  What was it about each that impacted you, either positively or negatively?

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

·         How might those experiences influence the kind of marriage partner you will be?

·         During your teens and early adult years, your interactions with peers played a pivotal role in the kinds of social skills you now maintain.  For instance, some individuals came from a very conservative family background but their friends introduced them to behaviors and attitudes that would be anything but conservative.  Others may have had a family history that did not emphasize academics, yet they may have been challenged by groups at school to pursue scholastics. 

·         What habits or priorities do you currently maintain that could be attributed mostly to peers?

·         You certainly did not go through your developmental years living perfectly.  What habits or tendencies from the past do you now consider immature or ill-advised?

·         How do you expect marriage to influence the ways you step away from those past flaws or habits?

·         No one is without pain from the past.  Some can recite how their personal histories were difficult, to the point of traumatic, and they hope their adult relationships will become a chance to redeem themselves from relations that were toxic.  Others are not so scarred, yet as they look to the past, they too can identify tendencies that need to be shed or improved.  Marriage will ideally be your safe haven where you can expect to expose your hurts and needs so healing change can occur.  It would be unfair to require your partner to be your cure-all, yet you can move forward with specific plans to create an atmosphere at home that will be nurturing and secure.

·         What new habits and trends do you wish to establish inside your new home life that will insure that some of the hurts from the past will not be duplicated?

·         What hopes or expectations do you have for your mate as you make plans to bring growth and positive change in your family style?

·         How comfortable are the two of you in discussing your past extensively?

·         Your level of satisfaction from your past will determine how you relate with family and friends currently.  For instance, if you had a strained relationship with an older sibling, you might be prone to dodge that person at family gatherings.  Or if your family was the type to take big vacations with the entire clan, you may be inclined to continue this practice after marriage.

·         Likewise, you will now have two sets of family members to keep satisfied with time requirements.  Holidays may be divided between the in-laws.  You may have one side of the family who telephones you often while the other may not. It is possible that an in-law will make special requests for money. 

·         First, what are your expectations about the best way to divide time between each side of the family?

·         What differences do you see in your new in-laws that might require you to get out of your comfort zone?

·         How will you respond to your partner when it becomes apparent that this person does not want to prioritize family relations in the same manner as you?

·         Let’s go through an exercise where you are asked to respond to a hypothetical situation regarding family relations.  These scenarios may not necessarily parallel your own experiences, but by comparing your responses you can get an idea of how you each could handle potential family conflicts.

·         Scenario #1.  The husband has a younger brother who has struggled to become as responsible as he should.  He has fallen into some drug use and has made poor choices regarding his social friendships.  Now he says he wants to clean up his act.  He needs a place to stay for a couple of months so he can get started with a new job and save enough money for a down payment on an apartment.  He asks if he can stay with this couple and while the husband is inclined to help his brother, the wife reminds him that they have heard this speech before and she thinks it would create more tension than it would solve.

·         How do you think the husband and wife should respond to this matter?

·         Scenario #2.  The wife’s father is extremely overbearing, to the point of upsetting her virtually every time the family gathers.  This is a problem because they live close by.  The wife enjoys her relationship with her mother, and she does not want to cut off ties with the father because it would mean the mother would not be able to come around very often.  The new husband sees that his wife’s family cowers to the father and he considers the path of appeasement as unhealthy enablement.  He cannot stand the stress the father puts on his wife, and his solution it to speak directly to his father-in-law.  No one in the wife’s family has done this, and the wife thinks it could draw out his rage.  The husband says there is little to lose since the family stays on edge most of the time anyway. 

·         How should this couple proceed in their relations with the wife’s parents?

·         Scenario #3.  A husband has proven in the early months of the marriage that he is not the man his wife thought she was marrying.  He is flirtatious with women.  He has a temper that brings her to tears.  He is reckless with money.  He is not consistent with time commitments.  The wife wants to speak with her sister and mother about this because they have always been a good sounding board.  She fears, though, that if she discloses too much they will have difficulty for a long time being cordial to her husband.  She knows he will ask if she has spoken to them and she does not want to make him angry by telling him yes. 

·         Should this wife take her chances and disclose her problems to her sister and mother?  Would this be an act of disloyalty toward her marriage?

·         Look over the following opinions about life with the in-laws.  Answer True or False to each statement, then write your comment about it in the space provided.  Use this as an opportunity to discuss your reasoning with your partner.  Rather than worrying about the “correct” response to the comment, see if you can come to a consensus on each one.

·         Loyalty toward your in-laws is good as long as it does not override your loyalty toward your mate.   T     F

Comments:

·         The related spouse can speak critically about the family but the non-related spouse should not.    T     F

Comments:

·         Being direct with your in-laws about boundaries (holidays, time with grandchildren, money matters, etc.) will create problems.    T     F

Comments:

·         Your marriage relationship is more important than your relationship with your family of origin.     T     F

Comments:

·         Even if your in-laws have not earned respect, you should give it to them anyway.

·         T     F

Comments:

·         It is okay to tell your in-laws details about your private life.    T     F

Comments:

·         It is wise not to tell your partner about disgruntled feelings you have toward that person’s family members.    T     F

Comments:

·         Sharing holidays with your in-laws should be given top priority.   T     F

Comments:

·         It is fair to say that you are marrying your partner, not that person’s family. 

T     F

Comments:

Easy Criticism Or Unsolicited Advice

·         Sometimes opinions can be so strong that individuals have difficulty keeping them quiet.  Coupled with a sense of self importance, these people can overstep their boundaries by speaking intrusively about matters in the life of the married couple.  Saying no may prove difficult, as can asking the intruder to pull back.  Yet if the problem persists, the couple will be at a crossroads trying to decide how best to respond.

·         Sometimes when criticism is frequent, it may be wisest to keep quiet and just do what you know is right, despite possible protest from the critical relative.  There are circumstances, however, when the criticism is so frequent or severe that words of admonition will need to be spoken, and perhaps physical boundaries will need to be established.

·         How comfortable would you be if the need arose to address a relative who is too critical?

·         What circumstances might occur in which a relative will be too free with unwanted advice?  How could you respond most wisely?

Dishonesty

·         In the husband-wife relationship there needs to be no secrets.  Honesty and accountability are prime ingredients for a healthy relationship.  There may be times, however, when activities with a family member may be questionable enough that you may not want to disclose it to your mate.  For instance, a parent may give money to a son or daughter, but the mate may be upset with the gift, so the mate may not say anything about it.  Or perhaps, a spouse will go out socially with a sibling to places the partner would disapprove, so nothing is said.

·         In instances such as these, the marriage partner may be giving loyalty so strongly to the family member that the marital connection is compromised.

·         What concerns might you have that you or your partner will engage in activity with a family member that would displease your mate?

·         What forms of accountability would you be willing to put into place so such a problem would not occur?

Inability To Communicate About The In-Laws

·         It should come as no shock that differences will arise as each of you comes to terms with the other’s family members.  You cannot expect the other to have the same feelings and opinions about family members since you do not share the same histories with them.  When those differences arise, it is good to speak openly about them with your partner, not for the purpose of mere complaint, but to educate and encourage each other.  How willing are you to hear from your partner about family matters even if the discussion is not fully complimentary?

·         You show maturity when you allow your partner to have feelings and perceptions about your family that differ from yours.  Without having to agree with perceptions that seem out of place, you can still allow your partner to say what needs to be said.  There is no need to invalidate the message or to immediately give a rebuttal.  Simply listen and learn. 

·         What could your partner say about your family that might cause you to feel uncomfortable?

·         How could the conversation take on a constructive spirit if you chose to listen and allow the partner to have those feelings even as you differ in your interpretations?

·         Despite potential differences, what would you like your mate to do to show a willing spirit when you are with your family members?