Pre-Marital
So Who’s In Control?

·         The topic of control within a marriage is one to be approached delicately.  On one hand, control can lead to traits like organization, decisiveness, firmness, and self-restraint.  Those can be good qualities.  But just as easily, control can be at the heart of stubbornness, bossiness, criticism, and insistence.  Those ingredients can lead to serious problems.

·         Let’s distinguish between having control and being controlling.  In a healthy marriage it is good to have structure and boundaries, yet the home atmosphere does not need to be typified by pushy or forceful interactions.

·         Before you examine this trait in each other, let’s look at some of the influences on your life that have been controlling in nature.

·         Who in your family of origin communicated with control tendencies leading the way?

·         How did this controlling style affect your emotions?

·         In what previous dating or marital relationships did you experience struggles for control?

·         How did the issue of controlling behavior lead to the demise of the relationship?

·         In what ways have you already experienced controlling tendencies creeping into your current relationship?

The Many Facets Of Control

·         Not a simple trait to stereotype, control can be displayed in many forms.  Any time choices or flexibility are diminished, you can be assured that controlling motives are involved.

·         Look over the following list of openly controlling behaviors.  On a scale of 1-10 (10 being most controlling) rate you and your partner on your tendencies.

Abrasive communication

Yourself:

Your partner:

Tendency to debate or push a topic

Yourself:

Your partner:

Responding to a confrontation with a rebuttal, defensiveness

Yourself:

Your partner:

Having to be right

Yourself:

Your partner:

Taking charge of a project

Yourself:

Your partner:

·         Looking over the above forms of openly controlling behaviors, which are likely to visit your relationship most frequently?

·         What alternatives to these traits would you rather prioritize?

·         Look over the following list of intermediately controlling behaviors.  Once again, rate yourself and your partner on a scale of 1-10 to determine how commonly you illustrate these tendencies.

Giving advice that was not asked for

Yourself:

Your partner:

Fretting or worrying

Yourself:

Your partner

Being particular or perfectionist

Yourself:

Your partner:

Staying in a tight routine

Yourself:

Your partner:

Interrupting communication

Yourself:

Your partner:

·         Of the intermediately controlling behaviors, which could potentially pose problems to your marriage?

·         What alternatives to these behaviors would you like to see prioritized?

·         Look over the following list of passively controlling behaviors.  As before, rate yourself and your partner on a scale of 1-10 regarding your tendencies toward those traits.

The silent treatment

Yourself:

Your partner:

Sulking withdrawal

Yourself:

Your partner:

Half-hearted efforts or procrastination

Yourself:

Your partner:

Being evasive, shunning accountability

Yourself:

Your partner:

Refusing to disclose personal information

Yourself:

Your partner

·         Of the passively controlling behaviors, which might be most likely to create problems in your marriage?

·         What would you like to see as the positive alternatives to these behaviors?

·         There are many other ways that control can be shown, but the above examples can illustrate how control can worm its way into your interactions quite easily.  As you consider the times controlling behaviors are used, you will probably find that the relationship suffered.

·         What is it about controlling behavior that is so distasteful?

Why Act Controlling?

·         Ultimately the more controlling you are, the more it indicates hidden insecurity. A controlling person may be covertly communicating, “I just don’t like being open because I’m not sure I can handle the fallout.”  Or perhaps it communicates, “I’m not too sure that you’ll care about what I say, so I’ve got to make sure you agree with me.”

·         Can you put your finger onto the insecurities that accompany controlling attitudes?  When you are in your most controlling mode, what insecurities are at the base of your behaviors?

·         Secure couples are able to communicate with the understanding that each person is free to be what he or she is.  Ideally they would recognize that the marital relationship is a haven where pretenses are not necessary and honesty can be prioritized.  Traits like openness, self disclosure, flexibility, and tolerance are accentuated as the couple agrees there is no need for the husband or wife to dictate or to keep secrets. 

·         How natural (or unnatural) will it be for you to allow one another the full freedom to feel, think, and respond as you choose?  What risks might this present?

·         As you drop controlling behaviors in favor of the more free approach to relating, how does this illustrate inner security?

True Equality

·         An easy game couples fall into is the One-up, One-down game.  The more insecure you are, the more you can attempt to compensate for lowly feelings by gaining an upper hand over the other person. 

·         For example, let’s suppose you are offended by your mate’s suggestion that you have erred in some way.  A secure person can hear the partner’s thoughts with the reassurance that he or she will carefully consider what is being said. 

·         An insecure person, however, will go into an adversarial mode by speaking words of invalidation or justification.  (“You’re trying to be One-up, but now it’s my turn to put you into the One-down position.”)

·         Be honest.  When might you fall into this pattern of communication?

·         When does your partner communicate with a One-up, One-down style?

·         The healthiest marriages operate on the belief that even in the presence of differences, equality is a given within that relationship.  There is no need to belittle, to invalidate, or to lord above the other.  Your opinion or preferences are just as valid as mine.  Inner peace is displayed as each is calm enough to let the other be what they are, even when they are in a less than wonderful mood.

·         How can you illustrate to your mate, especially in disagreements, that you believe in the concept of relational equality?

·         What would be the difference in your thought processes if you act with a spirit of equality as opposed to acting upon the One-up, One-down game?

·         Now, let’s be realistic by stating that no couple will be so consistently composed that they will communicate with clean intentions all the time.  Sometimes each of you will resort to a controlling response, and sometimes that controlling behavior will be strong.  You will need an exit strategy to fall back onto when that happens.  Let’s look at two necessary attitudes that can help you get out of the pit of controlling interactions.

“Let me see if I understand you correctly.”

·         When your partner is in a stubborn or insistent mode, it is tempting to respond in kind.  Don’t.  Clearly there is something important that person is wishing to convey, so even if you dislike the method of communication, you can slow down long enough to attempt to understand.  You can summarize what you think your partner is feeling or saying, and even if you are wrong in that summarization, it begins a dialogue of peace keeping.

·         For example, let’s suppose your spouse has misinterpreted your motives and has accused you of being selfish when you thought you were acting appropriately.  The natural tendency will be to say something like, “You’re wrong,” or “Why do you always have to think the worst?”  Instead, you could sidestep the counter-controlling comment and go straight to an understanding response. 

·         What would be a more understanding response in this simple scenario?

·         What is soothing about an understanding response as opposed to an invalidating one?

·         In what circumstances would you like to hear your partner speak with an understanding spirit leading the way?

“I was wrong.”

·         Keep in mind that once you go into a controlling pattern, stubbornness rises to front and center stage.  Sometimes you will know that your reasoning is flawed or that you blundered in the way you attempted to communicate a valid point.  Can you just admit it?  Secure people are not so intent on being right that they cannot admit errors.

·         Let’s suppose that you have accused your partner of some form of insensitivity and when the discussion did not go as you wished, you became huffy in your response.  As the discussion continues, though, you begin realizing that you had made false assumptions and that your partner’s perspective is not so distorted after all.

·         How could you respond with a contrite spirit?

·         By showing a willingness to admit flaws, how does this enhance your credibility?  How also does this illustrate inner confidence?

·         The best way to be in control is to quit trying to be in control.  Simply put, people are drawn toward others who let them think for themselves and do not feel the need to force-feed opinions or preferences.  Confident couples are less interested in communicating through power plays and they are more interested in building bridges of harmony.

·         What circumstances are most likely to require you to build bridges of harmony?

·         You really illustrate what is at the foundation of your personality when the temptation to control is upon you.  What qualities do you want your partner to see in you during such moments? 

·         List six ways you can illustrate to your partner that you do not have a controlling agenda, but that you want the two of you to feel most free in your relationship:

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