Pre-Marital
Bonding and Intimacy

·         Right now, in the engagement stage of the relationship, you probably feel as close to each other as you could possibly imagine.  You prioritize time for one another.  You like being physically affectionate.  You talk on deep levels about significant subjects.  You are proud to be seen with the other in public.  It would be easy to wonder if love can get any better than this.

·         It can...but not in the same form as you experience now.

·         The bonding you feel is based on many feel-good experiences you have had since you realized you were falling for each other.  Let’s take nothing away from early love.  Some may scoff and say that you are infatuated with each other, but let’s not be quite so cynical.  Simply put, falling in love is more immediately gratifying than any other emotion, and that is something you need not apologize for. 

·         At the same time, recognize that there is much ahead that will add to your experience of love, some of it wonderful and some of it stressful.  As life experiences pile up, you will know each other in ways you cannot possibly know now, so get ready. There is more bonding to come.

·         In order to lay the strongest foundation for your marital love, it is important to know that there is more than one facet of love to build upon.  Right now, romantic love is an easy block to build upon, but let’s consider the fuller subject of love itself.

·         First, let’s get an idea of where you are currently in your bonded feelings. What is it about this relationship that seems different from any other you have had?

·         Why do you feel optimistic about the future that is before you?

·         What worries or concerns do you have about your ability to sustain the good rapport you currently share?

LOVE IN DIFFERENT FORMS

Romanticized Love

·         Romanticized love is the feeling that accompanies young relationships as intense and euphoric optimism.  Knowing that others will tell them that early love is little more than infatuation, engaged couples may downplay the presence of romanticized love, saying that they are really just good friends.  There is no need to do this. Romanticized love is what it is.  You like being in each other’s presence.  You want to touch.  You find the other physically attractive, something you don’t mind communicating often. 

·         In its fullest form, romanticized love is expressed via sexuality.  Endorphins are released in your most rapturous moments, creating an extra feel-good experience.  You tell yourself that you can’t believe it can be this good, but it certainly is.   You can’t wait to recreate the bonds of sex and physical touch again. 

·         It’s probably not fair to compare a budding romance with buying a car, but let’s do it anyway.  When you buy a new car, you like driving it as much as possible.  You clean it regularly.   You want family and friends to see it.  You talk openly about how much better it is than your past cars.  But…five years after buying the car, it is easy to lust after newer models.  You certainly don’t wash it as often as when it was new.  You envy friends with new cars.

·         You see where this analogy is leading.

·         In a new marriage, it is easy to see the best in each other.  You feel the highest optimism.  You know you’ve got a winning combination.  But…several years into the marriage the shine has worn off.  You have had arguments that are anything but pretty.  You realize that the other has habits you don’t like, which won’t go away, no matter how many times you point them out.

·         When the shine wears off, that is when romanticized love is most needed.  Not that sex and romantic pursuits are all that holds a marriage together, but it is certainly necessary for couples to have pleasurable experiences to remind them that they still have something special to hold them together.  Deep into a marriage, romanticized love can still have its place.  No matter what age, men and women enjoy knowing they are deemed attractive and desirable.

·         What is it about romanticized love that is so appealing?

·         How central to your relationship do you want romantic, sexual communication to be in your future?

·         What are the drawbacks of building a marriage on romanticized love?

·         How do you plan to keep romance in balance with the rest of life experiences?

·         What could potentially take the shine off the romance as the years pile up?

·         What is it about you that may eventually create frustration in your partner?

·         What plans can you make now to address these issues so they will not sour the relationship permanently?

·         When the marriage hits rough spots, what is the role of sex and romance as you navigate through the difficult times?

Friendship Love

·         Friendship love is a less fickle, more stabilizing form of love shared by married couples, and in many respects it is far more important.  In simple terms, it is necessary for spouses to be buddies.  Without the emotional highs, it steadies the relationship as the two are reminded that deep, deep ecstasy is not required to keep the relationship afloat.

·         When couples relate as friends, they find it easy to plan social events with family and friends.  They tap into their collective sense of curiosity to explore new experiences.  They laugh with each other.  They enjoy chats on the patio in the evenings.  They find comfort in moments of silence.  They are tolerant when the other insists on activities outside the norm.  They are willingly helpful in domestic shores.  Kindness is common.

·         What is it about your relationship that can be described as a buddy system?

·         How does your partner encourage you to experience life in ways you might not if you were not together?

·         Why is friendship so vital to the long term stability of marriage?

·         When you consider your partner as a friend, how does this affect the way you argue or disagree?

·         What plans do you have to keep the friendship factor alive in the marriage?

Belongingness Love

·         Belongingness love extends beyond both romance and friendship in that it represents a familiarity that can only be experienced with the passing of time.  Over the months and years you have experiences that reveal your tendencies, both major and minor, in managing life.  For instance, no one will know better than your spouse how you behave when you first wake up in the morning.  Your mate will also be on the short list of people who know what breakfast foods you prefer, what kind of humor you enjoy, how you approach holidays, or what your private uncertainties are. 

·         To have belongingness love is to feel that the one who relates with you knows you through and through.  That person is “home base” to you.  Those sharing belongingness love know how to interpret facial features.  They sense internal responses the other has in distasteful social experiences.  They are familiar with each other’s deep history and they understand how that history affects current life choices.  They accept you when you have embarrassments.  They share your highs.  They walk beside you in your low moments.  They can convey love with a touch of the hand or with a simple word of understanding.

·         Currently you are making deposits into your bank of belongingness love.  Over the years those deposits should be expected to grow and mature.  The passing of time will carry you through experiences you would never have predicted, but with your partner by your side, the sense of belongingness can only increase.

·         What experiences have you already had that have begun the sense of belongingness between the two of you?

·         What do you anticipate in the future that will generate a deepening sense of belonging?

·         Why can belongingness not be rushed?

·         Belongingness is made more rich by your willingness to be open and unapologetic about your raw humanity.  How comfortable are you, knowing that someone will know sides of you known to few others?

Spiritual Love

·         Spiritual love is a love that is not at all contingent on the other’s feelings and actions toward you.  It is anchored in the notion that every individual has an inborn value that deserves attention, regardless of performance or achievement.  It is love that is independently offered because it is part of inner character and integrity.

·         For instance, there will be times when your partner will be annoying or will disappoint.  The decision to apply patience and kindness in those moments is merely a reflection of your inner goodness.  It is not tied to good feelings.  It has not been earned.  It is an outflow of a willingness to love simply because you are committed to love.  That would be your spirituality at work.

·         Usually people approach such a spiritual manner of love as an extension of their understanding of God.  Whether you are openly religious or not, you probably have some sort of appreciation for a greater good that can guide personal priorities.  Included in spirituality is the belief that there is a mission associated with life and as that mission comes into clear focus, it can give you a sense of purpose.

·         When do you demonstrate love that is not attached to performance or feeling or duty?

·         What is it about this spiritual love that is gratifying?

·         What are your beliefs about God, and about how God would play a role in marital commitment?

·         How much priority would you like to give to spirituality in your relationship?

Intimate Communication

·         As you have an ever deepening appreciation for the various forms of love and how they can enrich your marriage, you will sense a safety in revealing your full self with your partner.  The more you are able and willing to expose with each other, the deeper you will go into intimacy.

·         Let’s examine how intimacy can become central to your various forms of communication.

·         Building chemistry can be found via many shared pleasurable experiences.  Whether in the early stages of a relationship or decades into it, couples need moments of happiness and frivolity that let them know that joy is a readily available, shared quality. 

·         It is highly predictable that when a man and woman come together, they bring different preferences and histories.  If viewed positively, those differences become building blocks for an expansive relationship where each gets to stretch the other to become well-rounded.  If one likes sporting events and the other likes the opera, Great!   That means you can each challenge the other to find new parts of life to experience, and in the meantime you learn each other’s personality more completely.

·         Intimate relations are typified by special outings, social engagements with family and friends, giving gifts, celebrating special dates, and doing favors without being asked.  As these habits increase, they remind the couple that they are in the relationship as servants to the other, each with the special privilege of making the other’s life more enjoyable.

·         What activities have you and your partner shared that have prompted chemistry to grow?

·         What differences does your partner have that can stretch you as a person?

·         How important is social activity and fun to the future of your relationship?

·         As you have a multitude of positive experiences in your relationship, how is your overall communication impacted?

·         The sharing of personal vulnerabilities goes beyond social activities in creating intimacy since it requires trust on that might feel risky.  As you grow deeper in your love for one another, your mistakes and failures will be harder to hide, and in fact, you will not want to hide them since you want your love to be unblemished.  Secrets and guardedness will be set aside as you let your mate know the good, bad, and in-between that makes up your life. 

·         Being personally vulnerable also includes revealing your beliefs on a broad range of topics.  Likewise, it leads to discussions about hurts and needs.  It can come in the form of discussions about historical influences, either positive or negative, that have shaped your adult life.  It means that you willingly disclose personal matters such as finances and time priorities.  As vulnerable partners, you will discuss feelings about friends and family.  You will treat your mate as a confidante on a wide array of sensitive topics.

·         As couples determine that personal vulnerabilities will be part of the relationship equation, they can become each other’s safe harbor.  That is, they will agree to listen without judgment.  They will be forgiving of flaws.  They will drop defenses, maximizing authenticity.   They will know when to listen, as opposed to giving unwanted advice.

·         This form of communication cannot occur without specific planning.   To get to the point of fullest disclosure time will be needed to make it happen.  Sometimes couples will need to prioritize moments to chat and catch up with the day’s activities.  When stresses occur, distractions will need to be set aside so feelings and needs can be expressed in an unhurried manner.  Sometimes (let’s say if you have watched a thought provoking movie or if you have learned about unusual news involving a relative) special efforts can be made to throw out ideas or curiosities that are part of daily events.

·         In what circumstances can you foresee the need to talk fully and deeply with your partner about personal matters?

·         How comfortable are you in being fully vulnerable with your partner?

·         What would you like your partner to know that will increase that person’s comfort in being fully vulnerable with you?

·         What subjects, if any, should not be shared within the marriage?

·         Openly expressing love is another form of communicating intimacy.  The story is told of the crusty old husband who told his wife years after marrying, “I said I love you on the day we got married, and if I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”  That manner of communication won’t do.

·         When you love another, it need not be kept secret.  Words of appreciation and affirmation will be spoken on a regular basis.  Compliments need to be given freely, and the same goes for words of encouragement.  When appropriate, it is good to tell family and friends about the good things your partner has done.  Pride in your relationship with your spouse can be publically managed with an accompanying humility.

·         Small rituals can seem insignificant, yet over time, they can have deep meaning.  For instance, when you kiss your mate upon leaving for work or when arriving home, it keeps love alive.  Sneaking a hug when your mate is busy in the kitchen lets that person know of your fondness.  Remembering to purchase a favorite item for your mate at the grocery store can show your favor.  Holding hands in public illustrates that you treasure your partner, as does sitting close to each other at home.  Giving unexpected gifts or doing unexpected favors indicates gratifying love.

·         What do you like to do to show your partner ongoing love?

·         How important to you is it for your partner to communicate ongoing love messages toward you?

·         What would you like your partner to do to show love during daily routines?

·         How fully was love expressed in your family of origin?  How does this affect your ability or willingness to express love in your adult life?

·         Sexual love is the fullest form of communicating your devotion to your partner.  Modern culture may minimize the significance of sharing sexual love within marriage, yet there is no denying that the connection created via sex is so strong that it is not to be taken lightly.  In sexuality you are at your most vulnerable, both physically and emotionally.  Sex opens the door to being seen and known as fully available.

·         While you may be at your peak physical condition in your early adult years (let’s try to think optimistically) you will not always be at your peak as the years progress.  Yet when love is fully alive, physical attraction will not be the ultimate determinant for sexual arousal.  As you age, you will certainly want to keep physically fit for health and beauty, yet you will not be so obsessed with the outer body that your capacity to physically communicate will be lost.

·         When you share love physically you covertly indicate that you want ultimate closeness.  Your message to the other is one of affirmation, that you consider that person the ultimate insider, and that there is no one else who holds a similar position of honor   Though sexuality can be personally gratifying, your ultimate purpose for engaging in sex can be giving affirmation, as opposed to just receiving affirmation.

·         In what ways do you anticipate your sexual expressions of love to be the expression of ultimate desire and commitment?  What message do you hope your mate receives when you share in this fashion?

·         How could your mate help you feel most gratified in the sharing of sexual love?

·         Why is exclusivity in sexuality important to you?

·         As years pass, familiarity will accompany the expression of sexual love.  How can you keep familiarity from diminishing the excitement of your connections?