MarriageMate - Happy Marriage Seminar Series - Marriage 101: Marriage Reveals Insecurities

Marriage 101
Marriage Reveals Insecurities

· At the very moment an individual enters the world, a yearning for significance is displayed. The newborn infant will scream, “Hey, it’s me…take care of me right away.” From the beginning of life, each person wants some measure of assurance that the world is going to be a place where affirmation and nurturing is intact. Simply put, our deepest need is love.

· As the years pass, experiences pile up that tell the individual if love and significance can indeed be forthcoming. Regrettably, no one has such an ideal childhood that love needs are met perfectly.

· Each person has some experiences, whether inside the home or among the community, that create uncertainty. Some are fortunate enough to have many episodes of affirmation, while others have many episodes of pain and rejection.

· When couples marry, they carry into the marriage all the cumulative lessons from the past that have shaped their feelings about self. With no exception, each husband or wife is a mixed bag.

· We each can have moments of confidence and inner peace and we each can have moments of insecurity and self doubt. That is the nature of humanity.

· Ideally marriage would be a safe haven where spouses major in communicating to one another how special each is. Words of affirmation would flow easily. Acceptance would be offered even as flaws are uncovered. Love would be openly expressed. Personal worth would be recognized. Friendliness would be quite common.

· A hindrance to this ideal, however, is the fact that marriage is a relationship where the negatives in each mate’s personality are repeatedly revealed.

· Like it or not, husbands and wives get to see one another when irritability is felt, when they are lazy or inept, when communication breaks down, when bad habits are displayed, when emotions are misunderstood, and blunders do not disappear. In other words, marriage is the primary relationship where insecurities are on display. The success of a marriage rests largely upon the couple’s ability to navigate through the strains this can create.

· To get an idea of how insecurities can be displayed in marriage, look over the following list of traits that readily accompany insecurity:

· Being moody or erratic with emotions

· Feeling reluctant to discuss personal failings

· Working too hard to rationalize or justify your humanness

· Accusing often, admitting wrongs seldom

· Responding to a confrontation with defensiveness

· Being vulnerable to sexual temptations

· Responding with annoyance when differences are evident

· Insisting on sameness of thought or priority

· Fretting over mistakes

· Failing to find balance in managing anger

· Being too image conscious; worrying about impressions made

· Working too hard to convince another person that you are right

· There are many other ways that insecurity can be displayed, and perhaps you could cite more. Looking over the list to the left, or drawing from your own experiences, what would you identify as the top 3 indicators that you can feel insecure?

· How about your spouse? What are the top 3 insecurities you see in that person?

· How do those insecurities influence the ways you and your spouse relate with one another?

FOUR SIGNALS OF AN INSECURE PERSON

#1. Your mood hinges too easily on the feelings or actions of your mate.

· In any marriage a certain amount of emotional dependency is not only likely, but normal. Part of the pact of marriage is the giving of love and comfort to each other in such a manner that enhances each other’s quality of life.

· It is reasonable, for instance, for a husband to want affection from his wife, and his mood can be elevated when she offers consistent encouragement. Likewise, it is reasonable for a wife to hope that she can count on her husband to be interested in her pursuits and to show that he supports her efforts. Such an effort can go a long way toward her feel cherished.

· As normal, though, as it is to depend on one another within a marriage, it is possible to depend too heavily on each other. Spouses are capable of letting each other down, even if intentions are not necessarily bad. Schedules can conflict. Interests can flow in differing directions. Misunderstandings can happen. Bad moods cannot be completely eliminated.

· Your responses to those imbalanced moments reveal much about the foundation of security that you draw upon. For instance, if you become strongly agitated, or if you sulk and withdraw, insecurity is on display. If, however, you can remain calm and steady in the face of your mate’s inconsistencies, you probably are drawing upon inner security.

· When your mate’s mood is less than desirable, what are some ways you respond that indicate you have become too dependent?

· How does your spouse respond to your inconsistencies with dependent responses?

· If each of you determined to rely less on the other to sustain your good moods, how would your frustrations be more easily contained?

#2. You make efforts to change what is not likely to change.

· Everything you do communicates something. When you make efforts to force change where it is not likely to happen, the message you communicate is: “I can’t handle life when it does not fit my agenda.” This is hardly the thinking of a confident person.

· No matter how pleasant your spouse may be at times, traits will appear that may not be appealing to you. A husband may feel his wife spends too much time on the phone. A wife may think her husband disciplines the children too harshly. A husband may wish his wife was more sexually stimulated. A wife may feel her husband watches too much TV. One may indulge alcohol too frequently, while the other may be a wasteful spender.

· In any close relationship, it is reasonable to confront one another about adjustments that could be made for the purpose of synchronizing life. Coaching from a spouse can improve the quality of life for any mate who is open-minded enough to make adjustments. But what happens in your home when constructive suggestions do not take root? Many marriages are typified by coercive communication where one spouse makes repeated attempts to convince the other about necessary changes. Sometimes this form of communication continues years with no end in sight.

· One of the most delicate skills a marriage partner can manage is knowing when to cease the insistence that the other should change, accepting reality instead. Most spouses are wise enough to know that small differences will be in every relationship and they can be tolerated. A deeper test of inner resolve is to cease coercion even when the matters being tolerated are significant.

· Often the very life of a marriage can hinge on this skill.

· What are some habits or tendencies you wish your spouse would change?

· When it becomes obvious that change is not going to happen, what is your typical response?

· What does your mate do when it is clear that you are not changing to his or her satisfaction?

· Which of your partner’s differences do you need to choose to tolerate?

· Which of your differences do you wish your partner could more easily tolerate?

· What differences do you consider non-negotiable, to the extent that the life of the marriage could hang in the balance?

· How could you communicate your resolve about those non-negotiables in a manner that illustrates the highest level of inner security?

#3. You avoid self-examination regarding unflattering truth.

· Clearly, marriage will reveal both the best and the worst in individuals. When those negative qualities come to light, are you willing to explore why they happen and what could be done to alter them? In the best of circumstances, your spouse would be a team member who loves you enough to work constructively to minimize those imperfections.

· Insecure people prefer to cover up or rationalize personal deficiencies. They tell themselves their flaws are not really as bad as others might assume, when the truth is that they fear the repercussions of admitting weakness. Often these people were exposed to shame-based communication in their formative years that trained them to assume it would be too emotionally painful to explore problems in the open. They learned that peace could be found in secrecy or in appeasement.

· A goal of a thriving marriage is authenticity, being genuine. Growing couples are secure enough to know that they are never so complete that they need no fine tuning. In fact, a cornerstone element of their security is the willingness to admit their signs of insecurity. Ongoing efforts to become more genuine include the willingness to read stimulating materials, to attend conferences or classes, to participate in soul-searching discussions with trusted family or friends, and to seek counseling.

· In what circumstances would you benefit if you were more open to self examination?

· How open are you to the process of personal improvement?

· When and why do you hesitate to be open?

· In what circumstances would your mate benefit with more self-examination?

· Is there anything you do that might hinder this?

· In what ways could both you and your mate illustrate a willingness to stay open to new input, remaining open to personal improvements?

#4. Your emotions are more extreme than is warranted by the circumstances.

· A sure way to discern an individual’s inner security is to monitor the ways emotions are managed. All spouses will have emotional displays and reactions, and sometimes those emotions will be strong. Whether the emotion is love, anger, grief, sadness, joy, or fear, confident people can admit to themselves and others their wide range of subjective experiences.

· A distinction can be made between secure and insecure people when the emotions are experienced to the extreme. For instance, anger can be normal, yet it does not need to be managed with shouting or cursing. Fear can be normal, yet defensiveness does not have to be dominant.

· Guilt may be registered, yet it need not linger so long that personal effectiveness is buried. Love can be felt, but it need not be so intense that it is unsustainable.

· On the opposite end of the spectrum, a person could have ample reasons to feel emotions, but refuses to acknowledge them or give any hint of feeling a given way. For instance, some may have reason to cry, to be happy, to feel remorse, to admit hurt, to experience gratitude, or to register regret, yet they do not. By refusing to display the obvious, these individuals covertly communicate, “I can’t afford to be seen as human; that might be too risky.” Their need to appear secure “requires” them to keep feelings too close to the vest.

· What are some emotional expressions that you might experience to the extreme?

· How might these extreme emotions illustrate insecurity?

· How about your spouse? What are some examples of extreme emotions that would demonstrate insecurity?

· When might you or your mate be inclined to unnaturally suppress the expression of emotion?

· What adjustments could be made in your home so you could each feel more comfortable exposing those emotions?

Inner Worth and Marital Communication

· To be a most productive spouse, you will need to have the inner confidence to interface with your spouse on an appropriately vulnerable level. This means that you understand that you will never be ideal in the ways you handle each other’s imperfections, but that you want to remain in an ongoing pattern of improvement.

· The trait that will allow you to interact most securely with your mate is inner worth. You would recognize that the value of an individual is inborn, meaning it is not tied so directly to performance or deed that it is constantly subject to reinterpretation. Instead, it is a constant.

· Once you claim the belief in inner worth, an important distinction comes over your behaviors. You will continue to act as a worthy person even when others do not treat you with worth. You can be so strong in the notion that worth is a constant that even when your mate is in a bad mood or when words of invalidation are spoken, you will not have to give in to defeat or contention. You can stay emotionally steady, independently grounded in the realization that another person’s pronouncement does not have to be deemed as final.

· Finally, as inner worth is maintained, you will be positioned to be most effective in offering love. Believing in the value of your own life, you can acknowledge the value of your mate’s too. A strong function of your marriage can be the reminders you give each other that you hold one other in high esteem. The marriage would be a place where goodness and kindness would be prioritized because such behaviors would be natural byproducts of your beliefs about human worth.

· How could your belief in inner worth be displayed as you handle your marital responsibilities?

· What specific things could you do to remind your mate that inner worth is not tied to performance or deed?

· In what circumstances will you need to remind yourself that inner worth is not dependent upon another person’s pronouncement?

· How do you see that your feelings of worth are directly tied to your ability to love?

· In the days and weeks ahead, make it your delightful task to indicate to your mate that your home is a place where worth, and its resulting security, can be known. List at least eight traits you could prioritize that would demonstrate you believe in the worth of your spouse.