Marriage 101
Lowering Your Defenses

·         Virtually every practitioner of marital counseling will underscore the importance of smooth communication.  In every home, plans and schedules need to be coordinated.  Emotions need to be processed.  Unique perceptions and interpretations will be exposed.  Hopes and desires will be expressed.  Opinions and beliefs will be registered.   Sexuality will need to be carefully navigated.

·         Successful couples recognize the importance of maintaining a safe atmosphere so discussions about these and other matters can occur with a high level of harmony and respect.  Husbands and wives will never see all subjects from the same perspective, and that is a good thing.  With differing ways of processing life come broader ways to stretch and grow.

·         Unfortunately, many couples allow patterns of defensiveness to thwart smooth communication.  Stubbornness can come into play.  Arguments can emerge over minor matters.  Annoyances can be given too much power.  Attempts to change the other person’s mind can occur.  Listening becomes limited as telling becomes primary. 

·         In most marriages certain topics can evoke less-than-ideal forms of communication.  For example, some spouses have great difficulty discussing family finances.  Others find that their communication falters when talking about discipline matters with the kids.  Sometimes they have difficulty agreeing about life with extended family members, or perhaps the spouses have hurt feelings about  the ways social priorities are managed.  Business priorities can clash with home priorities, generating less than pleasant feelings.

·         You get the idea.

·         Once disruptive topics infiltrate the communication process, defensive patterns can quickly emerge. Accusations and rebuttals can become prominent.  Too much energy can be expended trying to change the other’s mind.  Little, if any, effort is made to understand.  Interruptions become frequent.  Futility takes center stage.  Harsh feelings stick around to the extent that a cold war can settle in.  Sound familiar?

·         What are some of the common indicators in your marriage that indicate that defensiveness has taken hold?

·         Why do you become defensive?

·         Let’s take a look at some of the most common problems that perpetuate a defensive home atmosphere.  Look over the following list to determine if any of these qualities are common.  On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate your tendencies.  (If you are brave have your spouse rate you as well.)

·         You have strong expectations for your mate.  1   2   3   4   5

·         You assume that conflict is bad and that you should not disagree.  1   2   3   4   5 

·         You overuse the word “you,” particularly in disagreements.  1   2   3   4   5  

·         You keep secrets.  1   2   3   4   5

·         You worry about how you are perceived.  1   2   3   4   5

·         You think in terms of “must” or “should.”  1   2   3   4  5

·         You dislike receiving feedback from your mate.  1   2   3   4   5

·         New ideas or ways are threatening to you.  1   2   3   4   5

·         You can lapse into an inattentive spirit.   1   2   3   4   5

·         You like to be in control of minor things.   1   2   3   4   5

·         Acceptance is conditional.   1   2   3   4   5

·         The emphasis on right and wrong overrides compassion.  1   2   3   4   5

·         Looking at the above list, which qualities can create most disruption in your home?

·         As you recognize that defensiveness can exist in your marriage, what does this say about the feeling of safety in your home?

Three Patterns of Defensiveness

·         In general, there are three distinct patterns of defensive behaviors: denial, “boomerang” communication, and evasiveness.  Let’s break them down so you can get a good idea of some of the tendencies that may be harming your interactions.

The Defense Of Denial

·         There are times when individuals feel so uncomfortable exposing their humanity that they make efforts to either minimize them or act as if they do not exist.  Consider these behaviors:

·         Rationalization:  Having an airtight explanation for flaws or mistakes; making excuses rather than admitting the obvious.

·         Projection:  Seeing one’s own flaws in the other person but not in oneself.  E.g. a critical person who complains about how critical the spouse is.

·         Magical thinking:  The need to see life through rose colored lens to the extent that no admission is made of obvious problems.

·         The know-it all:  Assuming a position of such superiority and being so beyond correction that the spouse’s perceptions are routinely assumed to be wrong.

·         Invalidation:  letting the spouse know that his or her perceptions must be wrong;  summarily dismissing differing thoughts.

·         When are you prone to these defenses of denial?  

·         Why do you defend like this?

·         What about your spouse?  When does that person use defenses of denial?

·         In what ways might you contribute to your mate’s need to use denial?

Boomerang Communication

·         Perhaps you can recall the first time you played with a boomerang.  You throw it out and watch it return to you.  On a playground this can be fun, but in marital communication boomeranging leads to disaster.

·         When spouses use the boomerang form of defense, they are not necessarily in a state of denial; rather they attempt to shift the focus to take the heat off oneself.  Examples of this form of defense include:

·         The “What about you” tactic:  When a spouse feels uncomfortable being confronted with an obvious flaw, rather than discussing the merits of the mate’s observations, the focus can shift right back onto the confronter.  Rather than discussing each partner’s issues one at a time, this tactic is meant to divert attention away from admitting uncomfortable topics.

·         Blaming:  When caught in a personal blunder, rather than admitting an obvious mistake it is tempting to remove the focus off oneself by accusing the accuser.

·         Bringing up the past:  As a spouse feels uncomfortable talking about a current defect, it is common to deflect personal responsibility by evoking memories of mistreatment from others in years gone by.

·         The “if only” tactic:  The defensive person can avoid a mate’s confrontation by explaining that one’s actions are dependent on the actions of others, meaning responsibility for personal mistakes belong on other’s shoulders.

·         Be honest.  When do you employ boomerang communication?

·         Why do you do this?

·         What about your spouse?  When do you notice this person boomeranging?

·         How do you tend to reply when your mate does this?

Evasive Defensiveness

·         With the first category of defense, denial, the individual will not admit that problems exist.  In the second category, boomerang communication, attempts are made to put the responsibility for personal problems onto other sources.  In the third category, evasiveness. we will see how some defend by choosing to ignore problems they would rather not confront.  Examples include:

·         Clamming up:  Some defensive spouses live by the notion that if they are confronted with a problem they should say nothing.  The less they admit, the less responsibility they have to assume.

·         Changing the subject:  When topics of discussion become too personal or uncomfortable, some spouses will opt to steer the conversation to entirely separate topics.

·         The “I don’t care” mentality:  When confronted by one’s spouse about an obvious flaw, the importance or validity of that confrontation can be minimized as the mate merely shrugs and indicates that it means nothing.

·         Being lazy:  Commonly a marriage partner knows that it is important to the other that problems should be addressed, but instead of being direct in acknowledging the problem’s legitimacy, they merely shut down in meaningless behavior.

·         In what ways are you evasive?  What are you hoping to avoid?

·         What about your mate?  When do you feel he or she is evading you?

·         What is the overall affect of evasiveness on your marriage?

The Causes of Defensiveness

·         Defensive behavior does not arise from a vacuum.  There are reasons for its existence.  Sometimes the defensive spouse fears the repercussions from an angry partner, and sometimes the defensiveness is a hold-over from problems involving other unsafe people such as parents, extended family members, or an ex-spouse.

·         Let’s examine some of the most common reasons people become defensive.

Fragile Ego, Handle With Care

·         People who feel the need to defend themselves on a regular basis are demonstrating low confidence.  As they attempt to ward off attention to personal problems, they covertly communicate, “I’m too fragile to handle the fact that you might see me as flawed, therefore I have to shield myself from your words.”  Defensive behaviors indicate they feel weak, that they would crumble emotionally if forced to admit that another’s person’s less-than-flattering perception might have merit.

·         What insecure worries lay beneath your defensive behaviors?  How did such insecurity get there?

·         What insecure worries lay beneath your mate’s defensive behaviors?  How did such insecurity get there?

·         Ideally marriage would represent a safe haven where flaws and differences could be processed in a manner that upholds each other’s need to feel secure.  What changes could you and your partner make to generate a more accepting and secure environment so differences could be discussed constructively?

An Atmosphere of Judgment

·         One of the most common reasons cited for defensive behavior is the fear of being judged by the other person.  Sometimes this fear is founded in real experiences of critical communication from the spouse, while at other times the defensive person is drawing upon old wounds created by others. 

·         To diminish the atmosphere of judgment, spouses need to give careful attention to developing a reputation for encouragement and support as opposed to a reputation for criticism.  Simply put, chronic criticism is an enemy to marriage while acceptance is a friend to marriage.

·         In your home, would you say there is too much criticism exchanged between you and your mate?  What are you trying to accomplish by such criticism?

·         How might the defensive mood diminish as you choose a more upbeat, encouraging tone of communication?  Specifically what would you need to do differently to establish yourself as a non-judgmental mate?

Chronic Struggles for Control

·         Very commonly defensive people are defensive because the mate is offensive.  That is, they feel that the marriage has become a battle ground to see who can be most powerful.  An overt indicator of the power style of communication is the tone of voice used in discussing differences.  When a spouse speaks with coercion, persuasion, and insistence, it is a sure sign that control is the goal. 

·         Since human nature is wired to resist control from others, it is only natural that the mate will resist the coercive communication and the typical result is a stubborn battle of the wills. 

·         An alternative to controlling communication is to state one’s perspective followed by a willingness to allow the spouse to absorb what is said.  If agreement is not immediate, that does not have to signal the need to persuade.  Instead it can indicate the need to allow your mate to feel or perceive as he or she chooses. 

·         Paradoxically, the less you attempt to control, the greater your influence can become.  By allowing your mate to think separately, you indicate respect and most partners respond well to the message of respect.

·         What are some indicators depicting the need for control between you and your spouse?

·         Why do you feel the need to control?

·         What is the net result of communication that is mired in the control pattern?

·         What would be different if you chose to drop control from your communication style, incorporating instead a willingness to allow your mate to think in an unrestrained style?

·         Even if your spouse continues to communicate in a controlling fashion, you are under no obligation to respond in kind.  How would your communication change if you stayed away from the temptation to counter-control?

Marital Myths

·         Too often married couples begin the relationship with mythical thinking leading the way.  Though they tell themselves in the early stages that they are going to be grounded in reality, they may still secretly harbor wishes that this marriage will be different from the rest.  When problems arise, then, they can be too disillusioned to handle the resulting tension with objectivity. 

·         Some of the most common myths include:

·         We show love by having no difficulties or differences.

·         We are supposed to have the same beliefs about what a good husband and a good wife should be.

·         A good marriage should not have to require lots of work.

·         When spouses love each other, differences should be resolved without hurt feelings.

·         Spouses are supposed to enjoy the same activities and interests.

·         When high romance fades, the remaining forms of love are inadequate.

·         When anger is felt, it means the marriage is in trouble.

·         Marriage is supposed to be the ultimate cure for insecurity or loneliness.

·         When something goes wrong, someone is to be blamed.

·         As you consider lowering the defensive atmosphere in your marriage, you can recognize the need to be sensitive to your mate’s needs and feelings.  You will see marriage not as a battleground, but as a place of learning and growth.  Let’s look further at some key attitudes that will help lower your defenses.

·         What are some of the myths that seem to be indicated by the defensiveness that exists between you and your mate?

·         Realism, as opposed to idealism, is a good anecdote for mythical thinking.  What more realistic notions could guide you away from defensive communication and toward more authentic communication?

A Formula For Harmony

·         By now you should have enough insight into the problem of defensive communication that you would be willing to consider positive alternatives.  While it may seem easy to stipulate a few common sense ideas that will improve your marital interaction, it requires commitment and consistency from each spouse.  Are you up to the task?

·         Let’s examine seven keys to harmonious communication:

1.        Develop a reputation as a complimentary spouse.  By the time kids become young adults, and young adults become middle aged couples, they have been exposed to thousands of negative comments.  Sometimes those negative comments are aimed directly at them; sometimes they are spoken about others.  Either way, we crave someone who will be a voice of encouragement.  Ideally that voice can be one’s life partner.

2.        Offer acceptance in the midst of disagreement.  It is easy to convey an accepting spirit when you completely agree with each other.  Even the most simple-minded persons can do that.  The mark of maturity is to demonstrate acceptance when you do not see eye to eye.

3.        Avoid abusing the word “you.”  When differences occur, it would be helpful to indicate, “I’m trying to determine how we can understand each other more fully.”  An emphasis can be placed on your need for enlightenment, as opposed to merely accusing each other.

4.        Learn to say “You’re right.”  The reason your mate feels and perceives as he or she does is because that person believes their ideas make sense.  Learn to decipher what makes sense to your mate and let that person know that you can accommodate a separate perspective.

5.        Set aside regular times to keep each other informed.  Often spouses neglect the need to have ongoing exchanges simply for the purpose of staying in touch with one another.  Busyness supersedes connection time.  Make sure a week doesn’t go by without at least five or six meaningful interludes to share feelings and to learn of the events that matter to your mate.

6.        When discussing problems, keep their importance in perspective.  Too often spouses argue over matters that are not earth shattering.  Even when the topics discussed are important, they still do not warrant such excessive persuasion that the discussion becomes overwhelming.  Pull back from the insistence that a problem must be solved right now.

7.        Be a servant to your spouse.  To eliminate defensive communication, offensive behavior needs to be minimized.  Your spouse is not one who needs to be conquered.   Rather, you are in your spouse’s life presumably to love.  You accomplish such a goal by giving, not attacking.

·         What five things do you like most about your spouse?

·         In what ways can you most successfully demonstrate to your mate that you accept that person?

·         If you chose to blame less and listen more, how would this impact your marital communication?

·         Why might it be unnatural to say “you’re right”?

·         What priorities would you have to adjust so you could have sufficient time to keep in touch with each other’s thoughts and feelings?

·         When have you been guilty of pushing an issue to the extent that you lose perspective on the way you may be generating tension?

·         What acts of servitude would your mate respond most favorably to?