MarriageMate - Happy Marriage Seminar Series - Marriage 101: Intimacy, Much More Than Just Sex

Marriage 101
Intimacy, Much More Than Just Sex

· Marriage is a relationship set apart from all others precisely because the husband and wife interact with each other in ways that cannot be approximated by any other relationship. Intimacy can be defined as self revelation, letting others see your full and true nature. While others may know you well, no one can one can see behind the scenes of your life like a spouse.

· One feature, yes, that is distinct in marriage is the sexuality shared by the husband and wife. Literally, in sex the husband and wife are on full display (emotionally and physically) in a manner that is to be experienced with no one else. Ideally sexuality represents the couple in their most vulnerable and most safe moments at the same time. Through sexuality they communicate: “There is nothing more substantial about myself that you can know or have.”

· But intimacy is not just about sex. The physical love shared inside a marriage is a representation of the depth of love that is expressed in other forms as well. Just as couples can be most vulnerable and revealing in the bedroom, they can determine to expose themselves many other facets of life as well.

· Before we explore more fully the nature of intimacy, let’s get an idea of how you feel about this subject.

· When you first met and began feeling that you were developing a love relationship with each other, you probably wanted to spend as much time as possible with each other. You enjoyed getting to know one another’s history, your likes and dislikes, your quirks, your favorite experiences. Each time you were introduced to something new (like that person’s friends and family) you were eager to absorb as much as possible. You wanted your partner to reveal oneself, and you also were willing to reveal yourself so your love could be most complete.

· As we examine how intimacy can be most complete, let’s first identify four elements of this quality. As we identify these traits, keep in mind that in varying relationships, you can have some of these traits, but for intimacy to be real you will have all four.

· When do you feel most intimate with your mate?

· What makes your relationship so much more intimate than all others?

· How would you define intimacy?

· What five things would you say represent the fullest forms of intimacy?

· What are some current experiences in your life that keep intimacy alive?

Exposure

· In a very high percentage of your relationships you do not talk about extremely personal details of your life. You can be associated with social acquaintances for years and never discuss things like how much money you have, your greatest hurts, embarrassing failures, or your deepest insecurities. You have determined that subjects such as these simply do not need to be known.

· In marriage the rules are different. Like it or not, your mate will eventually find out about all sorts of things that normal acquaintances will never know. Of course, sexuality is a form of exposure, and ideally it is not something that is shared elsewhere, certainly not after the marital vows are spoken. Beyond the physical exposure of sex there is much information that your mate is privileged to that is not broadcast elsewhere. And even when the information is not flattering, it is the very exposure of your deepest issues that creates a bond. By baring your soul to your spouse you illustrate that you deem this one relationship so unique that you will be known in a different light than in a casual setting.

· How have you and your mate exposed yourself to one another in ways that are known to no one else?

· How does that exposure create its own unique closeness?

Vulnerability

· It is possible to expose certain facts about yourself without being truly vulnerable. Vulnerability includes the revealing of feelings, thoughts, and dreams that you might otherwise consider off limits because of the potentially humbling repercussions. For instance, you might never tell a coworker about an embarrassing defeat you experienced in your youth, yet you would eventually let your mate in on the secret. You may never speak with a neighbor about a problem in the extended family that generates great anguish, yet this would be something your spouse would know fully.

· Being vulnerable means that your humanity is on display even as you have little means to defend or protect yourself. You are known as a struggling or imperfect human and you know that no excuse or cover-up can be found. Once you cross the threshold of being most vulnerable, you feel a kindred spirit that cannot be duplicated through other means.

· Fun experiences can create camaraderie. Participating in intense projects can put your raw emotions on display. Celebrating special dates can feel cozy. But these events do not generate the bonds found when your human frailty becomes fully known.

· How have you been vulnerable to your spouse in ways that are not duplicated by any other relationship?

· How does this vulnerability create the potential for fullest love?

Connection

· For intimacy to be experienced, there is an ongoing connection associated with the disclosure of personal matters. For instance, let’s suppose that you tell a dark secret to a person you just met on an airplane, but after that one encounter, you never see each other again. Without the lingering connection, it cannot be deemed as true intimacy. Or perhaps you know what it is like to exchange sexual behaviors with someone for a brief segment of time, but it is not accompanied by ongoing interactions. What you experienced would be more of a pseudo-intimacy rather than the real thing.

· Intimates not only engage in deepest sharing of personal matters, but they have the distinction of carrying the personal information inside the boundaries of an ongoing relationship. That is what makes it so endearing. The exposure and vulnerability does not bring the relationship to an end, but it becomes part of the motive to stay attached.

· How has your disclosure of personal matters contributed to the two of you spending more committed time with each other?

· How are the risks associated with vulnerability diminished by ongoing connection?

Freedom

· Some people, upon learning of the most personal details of another’s life, will respond to the privileged information in a scandalous manner. Rather than considering vulnerable details of the other’s life as an opportunity to connect, they use it to create obligation and even bondage. For example, suppose someone hears of a major mistake you made and instead of responding with a learning spirit, condemnation is given or shaming lectures are forthcoming. That would not lead to intimacy. Instead it would generate a craving to run.

· Intimates want one another to know that even when personal matters of the highest degree are disclosed, there is still great freedom to live as one needs to live. For instance, when your mate learns about a major blunder from your past and chooses to love and nurture you anyway, you feel relieved. Or when you discuss very personal dreams with that person and you know that confidentiality will accompany the disclosure, you feel safe. When you have acted silly, yet in the aftermath your mate hugs you and acts friendly toward you, you feel stimulated.

· (Note: When two individuals are involved in an extramarital affair they may convince themselves that they have intimacy of the highest degree because they can expose vulnerabilities and they feel very connected. The one missing ingredient in that relationship, though, is freedom. They may claim to feel free with each other, yet they are forced to live with secrecy and deception. They have to be calculated regarding time spent with each other. They cannot disclose their relationship to others. These are hardly the qualities of a free relationship.)

· Intimacy gives the participants the sense that there is no need to be cautious or calculated in the way life is presented, but that you have the privilege to live unfiltered.

· What freedoms do you feel in your marriage that makes you know that you are in a unique, special relationship?

· How do you wish to let your spouse know that freedom is an ongoing trait that will be treasured by the two of you?

· Exposure, vulnerability, connection, freedom. These ingredients become the cornerstones for a truly special, unique relationship. As you examine how these traits can be part of your marriage, which ones need the most improvement?

· What does your marriage need in order to increase the feeling of intimacy?

Where Sex Fits In

· As you experience the four ingredients of intimacy, sexuality becomes the ultimate way to seal the relationship as truly special. The reason casual sex can feel less than fulfilling is due to the absence of parts of the intimate equation. Close friendships can generate intimacy, but they do not come as close to marital intimacy since the four ingredients are experienced more intently within a marriage.

· Once you determine to communicate with each other sexually to the exclusion of all other forms of closeness, you illustrate to your spouse that you place the highest confidence, trust, and respect in that person.

· Why do you think sex within marriage is such a forceful way of generating true bonding?

· By keeping the sexual bond unique to your marriage alone, what are you hoping to communicate to your mate?

· When your mate demonstrates on a regular basis that you are sexually desirable, what does that do to your inner spirit?

FOUR KINDS OF LOVE

· As intimacy is developed within the marriage, there are differing ways that love is conveyed. You cannot perpetually sustain the high that accompanies sexual love, yet you can guarantee the presence of intimacy as the other forms of love are an ongoing feature. Let’s take a look at the four types of love.

Friendship Love

· In the classic movie, Shenandoah, an idealistic young man falls in love with a beautiful Southern belle. The young hero is about to leave home to fight in the Civil War, but before leaving he wants to seal his love by marrying the maiden. When he asks the father for her hand in marriage, he gushingly tells him that he loves his daughter greatly. The father (played by Jimmy Stewart) nods his head slowly then says, “Yes, Son, but do you like her?”

· This question takes us to the heart of an enduringly intimate relationship. For love to last, it will include friendship. Husbands and wives need to be buddies. This will be displayed by having social outings. They can be silly together. They can feel comfortable doing menial chores or running errands with one another. They engage in pleasant chats. They know each other’s friends and acquaintances. They are familiar with each other’s preferences and openly anticipate those matters. They have a general sense of helpfulness toward one another. They give encouragement. Smiles come easily in each other’s presence.

· Our romanticized culture puts a heavy emphasis on the sensual pleasures associated with male-female relating, but it is the buddy system that gives the couple a foundation to proceed to the higher level.

· What are five key indicators of being buddies that appeal most to you in your marriage?

· What would you like your spouse to do that could increase the feeling of friendship love?

· What would you be willing to do to strengthen your friendship with your mate?

· What is it about friendship within marriage that is so satisfying?

Belongingness Love

· There is a feeling of attachment between two people that can only be experienced by the passing of time. As you have an increasing number of familiar experiences with each other, you pick up on each other’s trends. You learn one another’s likes and dislikes and adjust accordingly. You know simple things about each other that few others do. Over time, the accumulated sense of familiarity creates a feeling of comfort that cannot be found in many other relationships.

· Think, for example, how you feel when you go home at the end of a busy day and plop down into your favorite easy chair in the den. As you relax and unwind in that cozy spot, you know you are home. In the same way, when you are in the presence of one who knows you through and through, and you know you don’t have to be formal or guarded, you are at your most comfortable. The ease you feel is belongingness love. The person who shares belongingness with you becomes your home base.

· When you belong to each other, you know all sorts of things about each other that may seem insignificant, but added together, indicate deeper bonding. For instance, few people know how you act when you get out of bed each morning, but your spouse does. Virtually no one beyond your spouse knows (or cares) what kind of shampoo you use. Your mate can predict how you will respond to a relative’s phone call. In belongingness, you can read one another’s silence. You know what is most relaxing to the other person. You know when to say something funny and when to just be quiet. You aid each other in illnesses. You share in finances and material accumulation without keeping score about what belongs to whom.

· In belongingness love, you can think, “You and I have shared much with each other, and you are fortunate to have me by your side.”

· In what ways do you and your mate share a love of belonging?

· How does this belongingness love increase your overall feeling of love for each other?

· How could you each increase your experience of belonging to one another?

Spiritual Love

· There is a type of love that can only be described as spiritual. Instinctively we each sense that there is an inherent worth to an individual life. That worth is not tied to position or accomplishment, it simply is. For instance, you may feel annoyed toward an elderly person in public because of some confusion that person experiences, but your recognition of that person’s inherent worth keeps you from speaking rudely. A child may be whiny, but you tend to her needs anyway because it is the appropriate thing to do. A family member has made a serious mistake, yet you will stand by his side, knowing you would appreciate the same treatment if the roles were reversed. Perhaps you see a news report of a person amazingly escaping death and you become teary-eyed. All these are illustrations of a transcendent feeling of goodness toward others.

· When you experience spiritual love, you show graciousness and kindness simply because it is the right thing to do. It is not motivated by the anticipation of reward, but by a deeper desire to be a good person. While you may not consciously be thinking about it at the moment, spiritual love is driven by the realization that there is a greater purpose than mere self gratification. You show regard because it is part of your appreciation for life itself and for the One who creates life.

· Inside marriage, spiritual love becomes a glue that holds partners together through good times and bad. In the good moments, you can be happy for your mate because you like knowing that person feels joy. Likewise, when your mate seems distant, distracted, or adversarial, you can still maintain dignity because you know that it is the preferred approach.

· Living with spiritual love, you are guided by traits including kindness, forgiveness, and gentleness. You are able to prioritize the positives because you realize they are more appropriate than the negatives.

· How would you describe the love in your marriage that is spiritual?

· Why is this form of love gratifying?

· What could you do to increase the presence of spiritual love with your spouse?

Erotic Love

· When you think of something erotic, it can seem steamy or wild, and perhaps that would not be entirely off base. Erotic love can encompass romance, sexual connections, flirtations, and seduction. Outside the commitment of marriage it potentially could involve exploitation, although it would not always be the case. Inside the commitment of marriage, it can generate feelings of connection and bonding that can represent the ultimate in security.

· In the early stages of marriage, the other forms of love can certainly be present, but erotic love can be at its strongest. It feels exciting. It can be like having a new toy. It can be so invigorating that you will want to go back to it again and again. It clearly allows the couple to illustrate desire toward the other person at the fullest level of expression.

· Over the years the newness of erotic love fades as familiarity increases. Couples who have been married for a substantial time become distracted by career building, tending to children, and engaging in other relationships. That is normal. But even as the erotic love is played out less often on central stage, it is needed in a marriage to keep the vibrancy of the relationship alive.

· What is it about sex that generates such a thrill?

· Why is it so different than the other three forms of love?

· In what ways does sex include the other three forms of love?

· How has the experience of erotic love changed in your marriage over the passing of time?

· How important is it to keep expressing erotic love even when the excitement has faded?

· In what ways might erotic love improve over the passage of time?

· How would you like your current experience of erotic love to strengthen?

Being A Giver, Not A Taker

· In the minds of most spouses is the question, “How could my mate show me love in a more satisfying way?” That is not an entirely inappropriate question. But for love to be most rewarding, it is more profitable to ask, “In what ways can I show my mate love that will endure?”

· True lovers do not sit back waiting for the other to do what is supposed to be done. Rather, a truly intimate lover likes to take initiatives because of the joy that results in the partner’s happiness. Being aware of all four means of love, daily efforts are made to let the spouse know of that person’s special status. Some days the communication of love is more forthcoming than others, nonetheless, it can be demonstrated in a wide variety of ways.

· As you think of yourself as the one in the marriage who is the giver of love, how does that keep love alive?

· Even though you may not intend to be a predominant taker, how do you express love by gratefully receiving it?

· In the days and weeks ahead, what are four impactful ways you can illustrate that you want to be one who can be counted on to keep love a thriving presence in your home?