Marriage 101
Dropping the Illusion of Control

·         Think of the moments when you feel most secure in your marriage.  At those times you feel accepted for who you are.  You can speak freely without fear of reprisal or invalidation.  You know that communication will consist of respectful give and take.  A sense of equality is prevalent.

·         Now shift gears and think of the moments when you feel least secure in your marriage.  Chances are, you worry that your mate will not accept your feelings or perceptions.  You may feel attacked or invalidated.  Perhaps you are being ignored or snubbed.  It could be that you worry about saying the wrong thing or that you will be misinterpreted.

·         What is a key difference between your moments of emotional stability and emotional uncertainty?  Control.  Your best moments occur when you feel least controlled by others, having full flexibility to just be yourself.  Your most tense moments come as you sense that your mate has an agenda that you should follow.

·         To get an idea of the ways control can be registered in a marriage, look over the following list.   As you do, rate yourself and your mate on a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common)

·         Being insistent or persuasive when communicating preferences

Self  1  2  3  4  5            Spouse  1  2  3  4  5

·         Being impatient, indulging annoyed feelings

Self   1  2  3  4  5           Spouse  1  2  3  4  5 

·         Repeating your point as you explain yourself

Self   1  2  3  4  5           Spouse  1  2  3  4  5

·         Being critical

Self   1  2  3  4  5           Spouse  1  2  3  4  5

·         Being so opinionated that compromise becomes difficult

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         Giving solutions when your mate expresses feelings or struggles

Self   1  2  3  4  5           Spouse  1  2  3  4  5

·         Listening for the purpose of offering a rebuttal

Self   1  2  3  4  5           Spouse  1  2  3  4  5

·         Telling rather than discussing

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         Being guarded or calculated about revealing imperfections or mistakes

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         Feeling uncomfortable with loose ends; having a strong need for closure

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         Being stubborn or hard to reach

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         Suppressing emotions or personal expressions

Self   1  2  3  4  5          Spouse   1  2  3  4  5

·         As you look over the list above, which traits would you say are most common to you?

·         Which traits are most common in your spouse?

·         In what ways do these behaviors indicate a yearning to be in control?

Imperative Thinking

·         When couples’ communication turns into a battle of the wills, they indulge imperative thinking.  Recall from your grammar school days that an imperative is a command; it is a directive that presumes there is a specific order that should be followed.  Certain words in our vocabulary offer a dead give-away that you are in the imperative mindset:  have to, must, can’t, should, supposed to, got to, ought to, need to, had better.  

·         At the moment you offer imperatives toward your mate, you probably have a legitimate idea to convey.  That is not the problem.  When ideas are given as imperatives, however, there are implied messages that typically do not sit well with the recipient.

·         Consider common marital imperatives:

·         You’ve got to be understanding.  You ought to speak with respect.  You shouldn’t shout.  You need to be punctual.  You’ve got to learn to get along with my mother.  You can’t let the kids get away with laziness.  You’d better quit being so argumentative.  Why can’t you just worry less?  You just need to ease up and relax.  We should be more expressive with affection.  You can’t keep wasting money.  We’ve got to get the house cleaned.  We need to spend more quality time together.  You shouldn’t speak in that rude tone of voice.

·         Certainly you could recall many other imperatives that arise between you and your spouse.

·         The problem with imperative communication lies not with the idea being conveyed, but with the collateral damage that accompanies the communication.  For instance, a husband can insist that his wife ought to prioritize punctuality…not a bad idea.  Yet he can be so strong as he insists upon this good idea that friction grows out of proportion to the problem.  Or perhaps a wife believes that her husband ought to be more helpful with domestic chores…another good idea.  When, however, he balks, she might begin to fume or gripe or hold a grudge.

·         Virtually no adult likes to be told what to do, no matter how accurate the directive.  Husbands and wives will predictably resist imperative communication, sensing that it resembles parent to child interactions.  Wanting to be respected as fully equal, a spouse will sidestep the correctness of an imperative and focus instead on the implied meaning of the communiquй.

·         With every expression between mates are two levels of communication.  The first level is the overt message, or the spoken word.  The second level is the covert message, or the non-verbal innuendo.  While most imperatives between mates have legitimate overt messages, the covert messages tend to be subversive, eventually cancelling out the good of the overt.

·         As you give directives (particularly the unsolicited variety) to your spouse, note what could be covertly implied:

·         “I don’t trust you.”

·         “You’re not measuring up to my standards.”

·         “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

·         “Right now I don’t respect you.”

·         “I’m superior, you’re inferior.”

·         “Meet my conditions, then you will be accepted.”

·         What is legitimate about the imperatives that you communicate?

·         What dangers might be associated with the imperatives that exist between you and your mate?

·         When your mate goes overboard with the imperatives, what covert messages do you “hear”?

·         As you speak imperatively toward your spouse, what covert messages do you suppose you send?

Acknowledging Freedom

·         Structure, accountability, reliability, correctness.  These characteristics are part of a marriage anchored in mutual regard.  It is good to place a premium on such traits. 

·         But here is the catch:  Inside each human’s personality is a free will that eventually resists being mandated how to live.  Part of the master design within every person is the yearning to make unhindered choices.  Each person likes to feel that the ultimate responsibility for life’s direction lies within.

·         When you acknowledge that each spouse comes to the marriage with a free will, you acknowledge the reality of choices. 

·         Most people will concede that indeed each person deserves to live in a free manner, but the question can arise: “What do I do when my spouse does not live with the values or preferences that I believe are good?”  Acknowledging freedom does not mean that you can never confront or discuss problems.  It does, however, mean that when you do, your mate still has the option to choose to respond in whatever way seems most appropriate to him or her.  Can you handle that?

·         A direct byproduct of dropping imperatives in favor of freedom is the ceasing of pleading, persuasive, or insistent communication.  When you have something to say to your mate, you would do so with the understanding that the other person deserves to absorb those words in his or her own way.  Your tone of voice would be even.  You would allow time for the other to claim ownership to what is being said.  If your mate does not agree with you, rather than pushing the issue, you would seek to understand.

·         When you choose to drop the illusion that you can or should control your spouse’s feelings and perceptions, something good happens.  Your influence rises.  Let’s put it this way. The more you attempt to control, the more out of control the communication becomes.  But the less you attempt to control, the more in control you are, and the more willing your spouse is to hear.

·         Let’s go back to the notion of covert communication.  Just as imperative communication is accompanied by implied meanings, so is communication guided by freedom.  As you acknowledge the truth of your mate’s freedom, the covert messages might be:

·         “I accept you just as you are even when we differ.

·         “I will show trust in you.”

·         “I’ll give you respect even in the midst of differences.”

·         “I consider you my equal.”

·         “Love is not dependent on you meeting my standards.”

·         Your demeanor is likely to be more agreeable as you acknowledge freedom and your mate will probably find you attractive.  People like to be affirmed and they tend to respond positively when that affirmation is consistently given.

·         This brings us to an unusual truth:  The less you attempt to be in control, the more control you eventually have. How is this truth evident in good marital communication?

·         How natural is it for you to allow your mate to feel or behave as he or she chooses?

·         In what ways do you affirm your mate when you make room for choices?

·         What might seem risky when you affirm that your mate is allowed the room for choices?

·         How would the tone of your communication change as you speak within the framework of freedom, especially if you disagree with each other?

·         How would your willingness to hear from your mate improve if you were allowed to freely think and feel as you choose?

Freedom and Boundaries

·         Some couples will ask: “If we live as two completely free people, won’t it just lead to a life of chaos?”  It could, but that is not the goal, nor is it the likely outcome. 

·         Let’s assume that when you married, you had some shared values that drew you together.  Hopefully you still have values that you can agree upon, and it is those shared convictions that become part of the glue that holds you together even as you approach life as free individuals.

·         As time passes, some husbands and wives find that they are not as synchronized in their values and beliefs as they once thought.  Priorities shift.  New influences enter.  Preferences change.  Also, bad habits can come into play such as lying, general irresponsibility, laziness, being grouchy, being evasive or emotionally unavailable, and having wrong associates. 

·         It is when these differences and negatives enter the relationship that the temptation to control becomes strong…yet let’s acknowledge that your mate is still free.  That does not mean that you have no options.  You are free too, and part of your freedom is to apply consequences to behaviors that are out of bounds. 

·         Let’s recognize that it is good to establish consequences when morality or responsibility is at stake.  For instance, in an extreme case, if a mate is sexually unfaithful, numerous consequences could come into play.  Or if a spouse spends money foolishly, it is reasonable to put boundaries on the budget.  If a spouse comes home in a drunken stupor, you can set the consequence of letting that person sleep somewhere other than your bedroom.  Likewise, when lies are told it is wise to establish accountability, or if anger becomes unruly it can be good to take time apart to let emotions settle.

·         The difference between setting reasonable boundaries versus being unreasonably controlling is usually found in the motive of the one establishing the consequence.  Is your motive punitive or vindictive or demeaning?  You are probably deep into the control mindset and the outcome will likely be dissatisfactory.  Is your motive based on common sense, a constructive spirit, or a loving goal?  Then you are probably using wisdom and it is likely that you are still anchored in a spirit of freedom.

·         What shared values do you have that will keep freedom from turning into chaos?

·         In what circumstances might you feel the need to apply consequences or boundaries when your mate is not synchronized with you?

·         How can you be sure that your consequences and boundaries are not just a veiled attempt to be the controlling partner?

·         Think of moments when you feel the need to be firm in expressing a disagreement with your spouse.  How can you demonstrate that you are trying to hold onto good convictions while still believing in freedom?  (Hint: note your tone of voice.)

·         When your mate feels the need to be firm in expressing consequences toward you, how would you like to be treated?

Inwardly Directed Freedom

·         While it is good for spouses to interact with each other with a spirit of freedom, each mate will have moments when a personal decision will need to be made about how to proceed as an individual. 

·         There are numerous examples when you will have the opportunity to freely decide how to respond to life’s challenges, and many times those opportunities can produce temptations that could put you at odds with your spouse.  For instance:

·         You feel angry and you’re trying to decide how best to proceed with that emotion.

·         You are confronted by a person of the opposite sex who has flirtatious intentions and you need to decide how to respond.

·         You want to spend money on products that you know will displease your mate.

·         You have friends who want you to be social with them, but you fear your spouse would be jealous.

·         Your political beliefs or your spiritual values change in ways that differ from your mate.

·         You have ideas about responding to the kids’ behaviors that differ from your mate.

·         You want to pursue hobbies that your mate is not interested in.

·         Your spouse insists that you engage in a priority that is not what you want.

·         You like spending time with relatives but your mate would rather stay at home.

·         In what circumstances do you find yourself at odds with your spouse, wondering how best to proceed as a free person?

·         In each of those moments when you differ with your spouse, you have the option of being defiant or disrespectful or subversive.  What would cause you not to choose such a path?

·         How can you be true to yourself in those circumstances while also illustrating that you want to be a team player with your mate?

Five Indicators of a Mind of Freedom

·         Healthy marriages do not require sameness of thought and preference in all situations, but they do manage to coordinate their separate preferences in ways that still honor the marriage. 

·         To summarize how freedom can affect the overall tone of your marriage, look over the following ideas:

·         Relationships take priority over performance. While it is good to get things done and to have order in the home, when you emphasize tasks too much the personal dimension can take second priority.  Over time, agendas become more important than spontaneity.  Free couples can still be achievers, but they do not neglect the relational side of life.

·         There is allowance for thoughts and feelings other than your own.  Controlling people like sameness of thought while free people realize that differentness can be a good thing.  They do not worry about forcing the spouse to feel and perceive in a fixed manner.

·         Spouses are willing to admit weaknesses or flaws.  Controlling people worry too much about image which creates a mindset of tension.  Free people admit their own humanness and are willing to admit where they can stretch and grow.  As a result, they are approachable.

·         Motivation is by choice, not duty or guilt.  When couples have to resort to guilt induction to get cooperation from the spouse, the results are not good.  Instead, ideas and preferences can be expressed in ways that allow the mate to claim ownership to behaviors and priorities.

·         Patience takes priority over irritability.  One sure way to determine if a person is operating with a controlling agenda is irritability.  When, however, patience is registered, it implies a willingness to accept that life does not always unfold according to my agenda.

·         In what circumstances could you show tolerance for your spouses separate feeling or ideas?

·         How would harmony increase as you allow differing feelings?

·         How would your credibility increase as you admit when you are wrong?

·         When is this quality difficult for you?

·         What would be different in your home if there was no motivation by guilt?

·         When do you act upon guilt motives or when do you put guilt onto your mate?

·         How can patience be understood as a byproduct of a spirit of freedom?

·         In what circumstances could you afford to show patience, and in doing so, show acceptance?

·         What are four specific things you would be willing to do so your home could feel like a safe haven where each partner feels permitted to be who you are?

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·         4.