Marriage 101
Managing Anger Successfully

·         What is anger? You’ve been married long enough now to know that your marriage will never be perfect and that you have moments when you drive each other to frustration.  Perhaps the tension in your marriage is much more than you had bargained for, and you’re wondering if you can get out of the rut of poor conflict resolution.

·         Let’s begin with the assumption that no marriage is without conflict, and the emotion most closely associated with conflict is anger.   Do you have a well coordinated plan for managing that emotion?

·         Keep in mind that you do not have to be shouting or slamming doors for anger to be felt.  Part of anger is your experience with frustration, annoyance, impatience, irritability, criticism, and the like.

·         When you feel angry, what is the bottom-line message that you wish to convey?   Your anger may have been triggered by discussions about the kids, about money, the schedule, your in-laws, or about the way you parked the car.  Despite the subject that set off the emotion, when you feel anger there is a core message you are wishing to convey.

·         Your anger is linked to your sense of self preservation.  For instance, you don’t feel angry when your mate is friendly, cooperative, or understanding.  Rather, you feel angry when faced with invalidation, stubbornness, rudeness, inattentiveness, and a lack of understanding.

·         At the core, your emotion of anger illustrates a desire to be seen as a person to be reckoned with fairly.  Specifically, you want to preserve one of three things:

·         Your worth as a human. (“Would you please show me some respect?”)

·         Your legitimate needs.  (“Would you recognize that I have needs that should be tended to?”)

·         Your deepest convictions.  (“I have key beliefs that I will not back down from.”)

·         When you consider how anger is tied to a core of self preservation, you can acknowledge that it can have a valid function.  There are plenty of circumstances when anger is appropriate.

·         What would be some examples in your marriage when your anger is appropriate?

·         What would be examples when your spouse has legitimate reasons to feel angry?

·         As is the case with many qualities that can begin as good, anger can quickly get out of hand and lead to negative expressions.  What would be examples of your anger getting out of hand?

·         What about your spouse?  When might your spouse let anger become unruly?

·         Your anger can be managed in many ways, but first you need to be certain that it is handled with maturity and dignity. 

·         How might your spouse be more dignified in anger management?

·         To get an idea if your anger is appropriate or not, ask yourself the following questions:

·         Am I respectful to my mate when I communicate anger?

·         Do I choose to expend my angry energy on issues that really matter?

·         Is my manner of communication constructive?

·         Do I allow my mate the time to carefully think about the matters I am addressing? (as opposed to pushing the matter.)

·         When communicating my anger, do I make room for the possibility that my spouse may have a different perspective?

·         Do I know when to cease when it is clear that I have expressed myself fully?

·         Is the goal of my anger enlightenment or control?

Five Ways To Manage Anger

·         When you were a small child expressing anger, it is likely that it came out in a raw, unfiltered manner that was not at all conducive to good results.   As you matured, you became increasingly aware that choice could guide your expressions.  Unfortunately you may not have had the guidance necessary to assist you in the effort to make wise choices; nonetheless, the fact still remains that you do have choices.

·         Are you ready to become more responsible in handling your anger?  Let’s sift through those choices.

·         As an adult, you can still tend toward raw, unfiltered anger, but with careful thought you can determine to manage your anger more appropriately. 

·         You will need to contemplate your options, both healthy and unhealthy, for managing this emotion. Instead of assuming that anger is just an impulsive response to an unwanted circumstance, you can acknowledge that indeed reason and logic can accompany the feeling of anger.

Option #1.  Suppressing Anger

·         Some people are so wary of anger that they assume nothing good can come from its expression.  Often these people have a deep history of witnessing loud, obnoxious forms of anger, or perhaps they have a very low trust that others will respond well to the expression of legitimate frustrations and annoyances.  Feeling unsure about communicating conflicting feelings openly, they choose to suppress the emotion.

·         As you would probably guess, the suppression of anger may accomplish the immediate goal of skirting uncomfortable conflict, but over time it only worsens the problem of anger and conflict. 

·         Think of the example of letting the kitchen trash sack fill to overflowing with no one being willing to take it out.  Over time the trash inside the sack gets sour and smelly and the sack can hold no more.  Your anger system operates in a similar manner.  You may think that you are helping matters by suppressing your anger, but you are only stacking up more hurt inside yourself.

·         People who assume that they must suppress anger live in fear of being exposed.

·         Let’s acknowledge that the suppression of anger is indeed a choice, but overall it is not good for the vitality of the marriage.  Healthy couples want to hear from each other, especially when hurt feelings or painful emotions are on the line. 

·         Your marriage will improve as you assure one another that there is no good reason to hide who you really are or what you really feel.

·         On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate your tendencies:

·         Refusing to expose legitimate hurts and needs   1   2   3   4   5  

·         Quietly clinging to resentments   1   2   3   4   5  

·         Responding in a measured or cautious manner when faced with disagreement  1   2   3   4   5

·         Playing the role of appeaser, trying to keep others happy   1   2   3   4   5  

·         Refusing to let others help even when help is needed   1   2   3   4   5  

·         Being image conscious to the point of having to appear above the fray   1   2   3   4   5 

·         Apologizing for things that don’t need apologies   1   2   3   4   5 

·         Withdrawal from problems even if it leaves the problem unresolved   1   2   3   4   5

·         Assuming that you have no option other than succumbing to a more strong willed person 1   2   3   4   5

·         Attempting to look calm and collected despite feeling very tense   1   2   3   4   5

·         Looking over the above examples of suppressed anger, what do you hope to accomplish when you suppress?

·         What tendencies do you notice in your spouse to suppress anger?

·         What happens in your home when anger is held inward for long periods of time?

·         What do you fear most that would cause the suppression of anger?

Option #2.  Openly Aggressive Anger

·         When most people think of anger, it is the category of aggressive anger that stands out most.  We tend to think of angry people as lashing out, easily creating pain and aggravation in those who dare to disagree.  While this is not the only way to communicate angry feelings, it is certainly a commonly chosen path.

·         Let’s get a good definition of aggressive anger.  It is the tendency to stand in preservation for personal worth, needs, and convictions while demonstrating a lack of regard toward the others involved.  The anger itself may be driven by a valid desire, but when it is accompanied with insults or rejection, that valid desire is almost completely lost.

·         If the suppression of anger does little to aid in marital growth, openly aggressive anger can create even more harm.  Do you remember the little ditty: “Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never harm you”?  Whoever made up that line was wrong.  Ill spoken words, bullying behavior, and harsh insults hurt to the point of being extremely destructive.  Virtually anyone in a troubled marriage will attest that poorly chosen words have lasting effects.  They need to be avoided at all cost.

·         Indeed, openly aggressive anger is a choice.  Some will say that the aggressive expression just happens, that it just “pops out” with little choice involved.  Do not buy into such rationalization.  Choice, even when tied to a habit, is still involved.  In fact, when we eliminate the assumption of choice, we accept a defeatist approach toward anger management. That does not need to be the case.

·         On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate yourself on the following traits:

·         Shouting or being forceful in communication   1   2   3   4   5

·         Cursing or speaking with insults  1   2   3   4   5

·         Speaking words of blame and accusation, attempting to shame the other   1   2   3   4   5 

·         Being blunt, using little or no tact when responding to a frustration   1   2   3   4   5

·         Perpetuating bickering or snippy communication   1   2   3   4   5

·         Physical expressions of agitation like pushing, hitting, or throwing things   1   2   3   4   5

·         Repeating a point, insisting on having the last word   1   2   3   4   5

·         Being critical or generally pessimistic   1   2   3   4   5

·         Giving advice that others either do not want or need, being bossy   1   2   3   4   5

·         Communicating with chronic rebuttals, low levels of listening   1   2   3   4   5

·         When are you most prone to choosing openly aggressive anger?  What are you hoping to accomplish by being so forceful?

·         What about your partner?  When does your partner use openly aggressive anger?  How does this impact you?

·         What needs to change in your marriage to decrease the use of such anger?

Option #3.   Passive Aggressive Anger

·         Some people have concluded that there is just too much risk involved in addressing conflict in an open way.  They feel anger strongly but do not want to expose themselves, but neither do the relish in the prospect of suppressing their emotion forever.   They choose, then, to register their anger in passive aggressive ways.

·         Passive aggressive anger can be defined as standing in preservation of personal worth, needs, and convictions at the expense of the others involved, but in the least vulnerable manner. 

·         While open aggression is a power form of communication, passive aggression can be even more powerful because it is so subversive.  It represents an attempt to manipulate the other person without giving that person the opportunity to be involved in decision making.

·         People using passive aggressive anger have an agenda for those they conflict with, but they just don’t want to reveal that agenda.  They like keeping others at bay.  It makes them feel as if they are in control and ultimately it is a way of punishing those who differ.

·         Staying consistent with our theme of choice, perhaps you will understand that passive aggressive anger will continue to bring destruction upon your marriage until you choose a more responsible path. 

·         If you want to stay stuck in the quagmire of anger, choosing passive aggressive responses will do it.

·         On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate yourself on the following traits:

·         Being silent when you know your mate wants to talk   1   2   3   4   5

·         Procrastination and laziness   1   2   3   4   5

·         Promising to do something, then not doing it   1   2   3   4   5

·         Being evasive or generally unavailable   1   2   3   4   5

·         Saying what the other person wants to hear with no intent on following through  1   2   3   4   5

·         Acting good in front of accountability people, then acting bad behind the scenes.  1   2   3   4   5

·         Being generally unreliable and disinterested   1   2   3   4   5

·         Complaining behind the other person’s back, but not face to face   1   2   3   4   5

·         Making lame excuses for projects you do not want to do    1   2   3   4   5

·         Giving half hearted efforts   1   2   3   4   5

·         Looking over the above list of passive aggressive traits, which ones might be most toxic?  Why do you choose such behaviors?

·         Which passive aggressive traits might be used by your spouse?  What do you suppose motivates your spouse to do act in such a manner?

Option #4.  Assertive Anger

·         Ideally, the purpose of anger is to increase the potential for harmony and love in the home.  While it may seem preposterous for some to envision anger and love being connected, it can indeed be managed in a constructive manner.  By addressing conflict with a spirit of teamwork, your anger can be a vehicle for positive change.

·         Conflict can bring out differing ideas and perspectives on all sorts of subjects, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.  When husbands and wives begin with the assumption that growth can be birthed in differences, they are poised to communicate truth with love.  

·         Assertive anger can be defined as standing up for personal worth, needs, and convictions while simultaneously upholding the dignity of the others involved.

·         Assertiveness operates on the presumption that rudeness and brash behavior are not needed to make a point.  Instead, an even tone of voice can be maintained as can calm firmness.  Assertive people do not feel the need to be condescending, since they prefer to relate with an attitude of equality.

·         There is one catch to the commitment to be assertive….there is no guarantee that your spouse will immediately appreciate what you are saying or how you are conducting yourself.  Your mate may be too defensive or aggressive at the moment. 

·         On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate yourself on the following traits:

·         Speaking firmly with a respectful tone of voice  1   2   3   4   5

·         Choosing not to buckle under the pressure others put on you   1   2   3   4   5

·         Doing what you know is right, even in the midst of opposition   1   2   3   4   5

·         Clearly explaining what you will and will not do   1   2   3   4   5

·         Knowing when to say no   1   2   3   4   5

·         Demonstrating confidence as you invite others to consider what you are saying  1   2   3   4   5

·         Stipulating personal limits and boundaries   1   2   3   4   5

·         Maintaining discipline and order in lifestyle matters   1   2   3   4   5

·         Refraining from defensiveness even as you hold onto convictions    1   2   3   4   5

·         Admitting personal limits and asking for help   1   2   3   4   5

·         How would your use of anger be improved by choosing assertiveness over the other options of anger?

·         How could your spouse make improvements in becoming assertive when anger is felt?

·         What adjustments in thinking will each of you need to make as you attempt to fuse the emotion of anger with the attitude of respect?

·         How can you refrain from getting suckered into an inappropriate use of anger when your mate is not on the same page as you?

Option #5.  Releasing Anger

·         There may be times when you have an opportunity to be assertive but the timing may not be right or perhaps the subject does not need to be addressed.  It is at those times when it can be productive to release your anger.

·         Releasing anger implies that you are wise enough to pick your battles carefully and you know when to move on to higher priorities like forgiveness, acceptance, or tolerance. 

·         It represents your acknowledgement that sometimes self preserving communication and behavior needs to give way to self restraint.

·         Choosing to release anger requires forethought and planning.  You will need to see the merits of being an accepting and forgiving person. Also, you would need to admit to yourself that you are limited and that life will not always give you what you want, no matter how logical those wants may be.

·         Sometimes spouses confuse the release of anger with the suppression of anger.  The two choices may appear similar on the surface, but the difference is in the attitude behind the choice. 

·         When you suppress anger, there is a spirit of phoniness, even dishonesty, as you are pretending to feel what you do not.  On the other hand, when you release anger, you do so because you genuinely believe that there are higher priorities like goodness, respect, and fair-mindedness that you wish to give your energies to. 

·         Releasing anger, then, is part of a well conceived plan to be a balanced person.

·         In the days and weeks ahead, determine to be on highest alert regarding the ways you tend to respond in tension producing circumstances. 

·         Don’t wait for your mate to handle emotions ideally because there is always the possibility that you will not be synchronized. 

·         As you choose to manage your own contributions to conflicting circumstances, you will be providing the modeling for your mate to follow. 

·         That’s called leadership!

·         On a scale of 1-5 (1=not common, 5=quite common) rate yourself on the following traits:

·         Showing patience in the midst of others flaws and weaknesses   1   2   3   4   5

·         Dropping the requirement that others are supposed to meet your standards before you can be calm   1   2   3   4   5

·         Developing an overall reputation as an encourager, not a critic   1   2   3   4   5

·         Accepting your limitations, recognizing that you cannot get your way all the time  1   2   3   4   5

·         Choosing kindness as a way of life   1   2   3   4   5

·         Recognizing when not to press an issue   1   2   3   4   5

·         Choosing to forgive, even when it is not earned   1   2   3   4   5

·         Allowing others to make mistakes   1   2   3   4   5

·         Letting go of the demand for repayment or retribution   1   2   3   4   5

·         Staying out of fruitless debates or discussions   1   2   3   4   5

·         In what circumstances will you need to practice the art of releasing anger?

·         In what circumstances could your spouse improve by choosing to release anger?

·         What are some imperfections in your marriage that may never change?  How would the release of anger be appropriate in those circumstances?

·         How can you determine that you have truly released your anger, as opposed to suppressing it?