Marriage 101
Defining Who You Are and Where You Are Going as a Couple

·         A coach will not begin an athletic contest without a game plan. 

·         An entrepreneur will not begin a new venture without a business prospectus. 

·         And a married couple should not proceed through marriage without a definition of what they want to accomplish. 

·         Let’s begin with a series of questions for you to answer, with the idea that you can share those answers with your spouse. 

·         Out of these questions can come a definition for your journey together. 

·         What makes you qualified to be a successful marital partner?

·         What makes your mate qualified to be a successful marital partner?

·         What is your picture of an ideal wife?

·         What is your picture of an ideal husband?

·         What potential defects do you have that might hinder you from being the ideal mate?

·         What safeguards would you be willing to put into place to keep those defects from becoming prominent?

·         What potential defects might your partner carry that would hinder the ability of being the ideal mate?

·         What safeguards would you like your partner to put into place to keep those defects from being prominent?

·         Just as an organization has a mission statement describing the overall goals they wish to achieve, a marriage can do the same.  Write a statement describing your mission as a partner to your spouse.

Priorities For a Thriving Marriage

·         Once you begin to explore the reasons for being married, it opens the door for a much deeper exploration for your overall outlook on life. 

·         Ideally, when you were in your teens and early adult years you would have been challenged to decipher your beliefs about the makings of a truly successful life. 

·         But even if you never had a guide to walk you through such a thoughtful task, it is never too late…whether you have just married or if you have been at it for decades.

·         Examining your beliefs about a successful marriage forces you to take a serious look at the necessary ingredients that will drive it. 

·         You can contemplate how to navigate through your marriage with goodness.  You can determine not to cave in to  impulsiveness or its opposite, mental sluggishness, choosing instead to be an introspective couple who wants to make their union a true joy.

·         Repeatedly, couples who encounter trouble will admit that they have not forged a solid plan to carry them through potentially rough times.  When that happens, the difficulties have a way of overwhelming. 

·         So to prevent such a potential, let’s explore some of the traits to be given highest priority as you and your mate journey together.

Trust

·         The commitment to marriage implies that the relationship is unique, unlike any other relationship you will have.  You share sexuality, intimate disclosures, common experiences, special moments, leisure activities, family obligations, and financial rewards that are experienced in no other relationship.

·         To uphold the uniqueness of marriage, various aspects of trustworthiness need to be in place.  Accountability is needed in money management, time management, and commitments in general.

·         Honesty needs to be a given.  Authenticity(being internally and externally consistent) is preferred.  Openness about feelings and beliefs need to be practiced on a regular basis.  Secrets need to be eliminated.  Disclosure about past flaws or hurts can be known.  Relationships with members of the opposite sex can be void of flirtations or sexual innuendos.  Personal goals and priorities can be openly shared.

·         What is it about you that illustrates that you are a trustworthy person?

·         In what ways could you help your mate feel even more secure in your trustworthiness?

·         What is it that your mate could do to be more trustworthy?

·         If trust has been broken, what safeguards could be put into place to restore it?

·         Included in the category of trust is your overall reliability.  This would include consistency in follow-through of general tasks.  It would presume reasonable punctuality.  It implies taking tasks to completion.  It could even be demonstrated by anticipating the needs of others and acting accordingly.  It is also shown in your degrees of cooperation.

·         In what ways do you demonstrate reliability?  In what ways could you make improvements to be more reliable?

·         How about your spouse?  In what ways does your mate demonstrate reliability, and in what ways could it be improved?

Respect

·         True or false:  Before respect can be given, it must be earned. 

·         Trust is a quality that ultimately is earned as repetitions of life experiences illustrate that the mate is indeed steady and consistent.  Respect, however, does not have to be earned.  It is a quality that can be given whether the recipient merits it or not.  (Note:  feeling respectful is different from being respectful.)

·         Givers of respect recognize that it is quite possible to speak honestly but without condescension.  They can differ without rejecting.  They love, not because the other person is perfect, but because it is in their nature to do so. 

·         Respectful people do not operate with a spirit of entitlement.  They feel no need to demean, but they presume that the other person has an inherent right to be treated with dignity.  Even when disappointed, respectful people will refrain from corrupt words, choosing instead to say what needs to be said in a reasonable tone of voice. 

·         Respectful people do not scold, but when frustrated they maintain a firm but calm resolve.  When hurt or disappointed, they choose not to exchange insult for insult.  When given the opportunity to harm, they do not.

·         In what ways can your spouse illustrate the fullest measure of respect toward you?

·         When given that respect, how does this affect your overall attitude toward the marriage?

·         In what ways could you do a better job of demonstrating respect toward your mate?

·         In general, what challenges you the most as you attempt to maintain the resolve to be respectful?

Patience

·         Virtually no happy couple will state:  “We have lots of positive feelings because we are consistently impatient with each other.”  Such a thought would be preposterous.  Patience is a required ingredient in every thriving marriage and it can be defined as the willingness to endure inconvenience, delay, or annoyance.  Are there moments in your marriage when such an effort would be helpful?

·         Patience is also typified by the ability to bear pain and trial without excessive complaint.  This is not to say that assertiveness would never be applied or that relational boundaries have no place.  Rather, patient people are not so idealistic to assume that the relationship will be persistently blissful or ideal. 

·         Patient people are aware that they have a host of choices available when strains arise.  They know they can speak harshly.  They can be pushy.  They can whine or fret.  They can criticize.  They can rebel.  In surveying such choices, though, they recognize the futility of those practices and determine to chart a different path.

·         Instead, patient people know the value of a tolerant spirit.  Recognizing their own flaws and idiosyncrasies, they make room for others to have their unique tendencies.  They are not averse to speaking about problems, yet when they do, they refrain from shame and guilt induction.  They operate with the notion that it is valid to address problems directly but with the understanding that events will not always unfold according to set specifications.  They choose their battles carefully.

·         In what circumstances do find patience to be elusive?

·         What attitude adjustments could you make to become a more patient person?

·         When do you sense that your partner struggles most to be patient?

·         How could the two of you work together to improve the possibility that patience will grow?

·         How is patience linked to the commitment to love?

Self-Restraint

·         Along with the quality of patience goes the trait of self-restraint.  Conflict and difference can be part of any marriage, no matter how compatible the partners may seem.  Toxic people have difficulty knowing when to cease pushing their agendas, while safe people can live inside personal boundaries, aware that they are limited in the ability to force change.

·         It is possible to be so enthusiastic about your preferences and opinions that you will want to push your agenda onto your partner.  This can create unnecessary tension when your mate is not on the same page as you.  Sometimes it can cause you to appear preachy or overbearing as you speak too forcefully or as you give longer-than-necessary explanations for your pet ideas.

·         Directness and a willingness to talk about desires and needs are part of any marriage…as long as it is not overdone.  This is where self-restraint comes in.  Are you willing to pull back from over-enthusiasm about a subject?  Could you ease up when trying to get your point across?  Are you wise enough to know when not to bring up a touchy subject?  Do you know when to forgive? 

·         Included in the mindset of self-restraint is the realization that not every matter will unfold as you might choose.  Life does not owe you total compliance, and certainly your mate is not going to satisfy your every requirement.  Even so, you can manage to get along with your mate as you accept inevitable limitations.

·         When are you prone to push your agenda too strongly?

·         What is your mate’s reaction when you are too forceful?

·         How would a commitment to self-restraint alter your tendencies to address problems or to discuss personal preferences?

·         When does your mate become more forceful than necessary?

·          In what ways would your mate’s self-restraint improve your overall communication?

Leisure and Joy

·         Even as you are married there are plenty of life matters vying for your time and attention.  You have work to do.  Friends want to hear from you, as do relatives.  When the family expands and kids come along, they can demand large portions of your time.  Hobbies call for your attention, as do organizational responsibilities. 

·         In the middle of life’s busyness, do you budget time for pleasure within the marriage?  When you dated, you inevitably spent time to play and enjoy each other’s company, and certainly that type of attention does not need to cease as the years pile up.

·         As you commit to leisure and joy, you also take on the role of encourager.  Because of your position as spouse, the giving of compliments and the demonstration of a helpful spirit carry extra clout.  Living as an encourager is your way of bringing happiness to your mate, and in turn, you find fulfillment.

·         Leisure and joy also include the capacity for laughter and playfulness.  Sometimes it can be stimulated by something as simple as telling a funny story about a day’s event.  Other times it comes as you entertain favorite people.  Or perhaps you share an outing that is sheer entertainment.   Thriving couples know that life cannot always be a party, yet they certainly are not willing to let dullness or seriousness be the final definition for their relationship.

·         What do you and your mate like to do for fun?

·         Even if you enjoy separate leisure activities, how could you make sure you budget time to share mutual pleasures? 

·         When is it easy to compliment and encourage your mate?

·         How could you choose to be an encourager when it is not necessarily easy?

·         How could your mate improve in the giving of encouragement?

·         What tickles your fancy the most as a couple? 

·         What prompts you to laugh and feel playful together?

Sexual Sensitivity

·         It is common knowledge that men and women do not think about sexuality in the same ways, and that does not have to be a bad thing.   As a general rule, men can be sexually stimulated more quickly than women.  They like the physicality of sex and want to go right to it.  Women, on the other hand, can certainly enjoy the physical thrill of sex, but they want emotional closeness to be part of the equation.

·         Each spouse needs to remember that it is unfair to ask the other to think as they do about the act of sex.  If the husband seems too willing to bypass the emotional connection first, the wife does not need to feel insulted.  She can still coach him to slow down or to give attention to her emotions, but she can show her love to him by recognizing that in his excitement, he may want to hurry to get to the bottom line.  Her patience toward him can help him find patience toward her.

·         Likewise, the husband need not feel slighted when the wife tells him she wants tenderness and nurturing to be added to the equation before she can be ready for sex.  This is a message he can benefit from, and the two will be more rounded in their sexual interaction as he tends to her needs.  Sensitivity coming from each mate to the other greatly enhances the potential for satisfaction.

·         How do you view sex as a glue that holds the relationship together?

·         What would you most like your spouse to know about your sexual needs and desires?

·         In what ways could you demonstrate to your spouse that you are operating with the peak sensitivity to that person’s sexual needs?

Mutual Servitude

·         No marriage can last if one or both partners feel the relationship exists primarily for self service.  Takers have a way of draining the life out of a marriage.  On the other hand, when husbands and wives each see themselves with much to offer the other, good things happen. 

·         Before you met your mate, it is probable that he or she had hopes of being linked to someone who would be compatible, to the extent that life would become more pleasant.  Then you came along and (given the fact that you are now married) your partner made the assumption that indeed you would be an enhancement to life.  Do you continue now to see yourself in such a role?

·         Numerous gestures can indicate that you indeed want to maintain the task of being a servant in your mate’s life.  Kindness can be prioritized.  Helpful acts can be assumed.  You can regularly anticipate your mate’s needs and respond accordingly.  You can look for reasons to communicate a desire to make life flow more smoothly.  Holidays, birthday, and anniversaries can be celebrated.  Gifts can be given, sometimes with no particular reason but to be friendly. 

·         For a spouse to be a blessing to the other, priority can be given to being an uplifting presence as often as possible.  Sometimes that priority is demonstrated via physical acts, such as doing chores or participating in activities.  Other times it is demonstrated via attitudes as when listening is prioritized or when praise is openly spoken.

·         Servitude is a cornerstone trait of a person who loves.  It is an outward indication of a heart filled with compassion and goodness.  People committed to this trait know their lives are enhanced when they bring out the good in others, yet they are motivated less for what it will do for them and more for how it will enhance the other’s life. 

·         Servants are wise enough to know that their overall reputation for goodness gives them credibility when troubles arise as they want to be sure problems are resolved with the good of the marriage as the primary goal.  They recognize that good behavior inspires good behavior in return, meaning their leadership and influence ultimately increases as they maintain a reputation for thoughtfulness.

·         In what ways does your spouse seem to appreciate your servitude most?

·         What acts of service do you most desire from your mate?

·         What happens to the emotional atmosphere in the home when servitude is at its peak?

·         How might you rearrange your current priorities to show your mate that you truly want to be a servant? 

·         Even in moments when your spouse does not seem to recognize or appreciate your servitude, how can you sustain the strength to continue in such a mode?

Final Touches To Your Mission

·         Trust.  Respect.  Patience.  Self-Restraint.  Leisure and joy.  Sexual Sensitivity. Mutual Servitude.

·         These qualities have been identified as primary ingredients for a successful marriage, but they do not complete the list.  Through the years you have surely identified other traits that bring out the best between you and your partner.

·         List at least six other qualities that you believe would bring good to your marriage.

·         In the weeks ahead, how would you be willing to display the kind of leadership to motivate your spouse to work with you to make your marriage as loving as you each want and deserve?