After The Affair
How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage

·         An affair has stained your marriage and you have undoubtedly wondered if the relationship can survive.  The best case scenario would involve such a sincere examination of your commitment to marriage that you will live the rest of your life with a full appreciation and dedication to marital fidelity.  When managed maturely, the effort to heal after an affair can cause couples to delve into core values and beliefs as never before.

·         Repeatedly, individuals who have gone outside the sexual boundaries of marriage will admit that they had lived with correct behaviors and had complied with reasonable expectations, but that they had not really taken full ownership of guiding principles.  Often it is after they have tested the waters of rebellion that they have a deeper willingness to reconsider why they would love as the mate expects and why they would practice the self restraint that goes along with marital commitment.

·         To the offending spouse:  Now that your mate has indicated a willingness to continue the relationship after the affair, how is your attitude about compliance different than before the affair?

·         Prior to the affair, in what ways were you living correctly but with a less than agreeable inner spirit?

·         To the offended spouse:  You have felt burned by your mate’s infidelity, but now you say you will try to put the pieces back together again.  In what ways do you suspect your mate is cooperating from a mindset of duty versus desire?

·         How will you know if your spouse’s efforts to get back on track are real?

8 KEYS TO RESTORING YOUR MARRIAGE

·         Good things do not just happen in a vacuum.  They require planning and concentration.  With that in mind, let’s examine several adjustments you can make to maximize the potential of protecting your marriage from another damaging blow.

#1.  Make honesty your highest priority.

·         Years ago a survey asked over nine hundred marriage counselors to rank thirty ingredients that are known to be part of a successful marriage.  The Number One trait they agreed to be necessary to a thriving marriage was trust.  Without trust communication breaks down.  Sexuality feels tenuous.  Conflicts are sure to escalate.  Fear and defenses increase.  Insecurity abounds.

·         Because honesty was broached in the affair, no ingredient requires more emphasis as restoration is sought.  Not only will accountability procedures need to be constant, but communication in general will need to be typified by full disclosure.  Emotional hurts or needs should be expressed rather than suppressed.  As honesty becomes the norm, trust can be restored.

·         To the offending spouse:  In what specific areas will you commit to prioritizing honesty most?

·         What attitudes and behaviors from your past will you need to set aside as you give higher priority to honesty?

·         How will you respond when your mate indicates that he or she is struggling to know if you are indeed being fully honest?

·         To the offended spouse:  What do you want to be emphasized as you and your mate put fullest honesty into your relationship?

·         As you look into your marriage’s past, in what dimensions was honesty most missing?

·         How do you plan to be a positive instrument in the effort to create a more fully trustworthy atmosphere at home?

#2.  Surround yourself with friends of a like value system.

·         Often when an affair occurs, the straying partner has allowed social influences to enter from questionable sources.  Sometimes the party mentality has taken over.  Or perhaps traditional activities are traded in for more risquй activities.  More time is spent away from the family, creating an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude. 

·         As you attempt to put the pieces of the marriage back together, it is highly predictable that your mate will want the reassurance that you will not return to people and places that were associated with the rebellious behavior.  Not only will the third party need to be removed from your sphere of influence, but associates who may have been instrumental in helping you think in more permissive ways.

·         An old proverb states: “He who walks with the wise will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.”  Another proverb says, “You are known by the company you keep.”  Who you allow into your inner circle will greatly influence the lifestyle choices you will give priority to.

·         To the offending spouse:  Who was part of your inner circle besides the third party that your mate may have difficulty accepting?  What is your relationship with those people now?

·         How do you feel about pulling away from people who may have created questions in your mate’s mind?

·         What could you change in your overall social priorities that would ease your mate’s worries?

·         To the offended spouse:  Who has been associated with your spouse that you find to be of questionable character?  Why is this so?

·         How would you like your spouse to adjust social priorities so you can feel more at ease?

·         What social commitments would you like to maintain as you and your mate continue on the road to recovery?

#3.  Set aside plenty of time for marital connection.

·         Whereas sexual love is the spark that can bring excitement into a marriage, friendship is the trait that holds it together on a daily basis.  For a marriage to last, pleasant interludes of bonding need to be consistent.  Acts of friendship can include a variety of activities like going on dates, watching movies together at home, enjoying a summer evening on the back porch, entertaining family or friends at home, attending sporting events or musical events, chatting for an extended time after dinner, helping with chores, planning vacations, going on walks, and so forth. 

·         As cooperation and coordination of the simple and easy parts of life abound, a sense of belonging develops.  Couples learn to respond to each other’s quirks and preferences with ease.  They laugh with each other.  They are reminded that life is not all about responding to the stress of the moment, but that light interludes can be part of their connections.  When couples know that they can count on regular moments of easy engagements, the tense moments have a way of not lasting as long.  They are reminded that marriage is not only built on loving each other, but liking each other too.

·         To both spouses:  What might happen in your marriage that can compete with your time to be together in light and friendly moments? 

·         What do you like most about your mate?  How can you turn this into an opportunity to share caring moments with each other?

·         What have you done in the past that you each found particularly enjoyable together?

·         What adjustments in your priorities would you need to make as you give more time and attention to moments of connection?

#4.  Expend more time complimenting than complaining.

·         Have you ever noticed how easy it is to talk about what you do not like more than what you do like?  Perhaps complaining about people and circumstances gives us a temporary feeling of superiority or smugness, but that does not have to be the case.  If given the challenge to go an entire week, or just an entire day, to be complaint free, could you do it? 

·         When there is a consistently upbeat and genuinely positive atmosphere in the home, affairs would be less likely.  Your spouse likes knowing that you see what is good and that you enjoy accentuating the things in your world that are desirable.  When you are known as one who can be counted on to find what is good, the other person naturally prefers to come back for more.  Bonding is the result.

·         What is it about your mate that is good?  Does she look nice?  Tell her.  Is he reliable in getting tasks completed?  Make it a point of open discussion. Do you like the ways she handles the kids’ schedules?  Let her know about it.  Do you like the confidence he exudes when you are in public places?  Pat him on the back.

·         One or two incidents of speaking about the good things may not transform your marriage, but when you get into a prolonged habit of remarking about what impresses you, the tone of the relationship is inviting. 

·         To the offending spouse:  In what circumstances have you neglected speaking with your mate about the things that are good?

·         How was the affair influenced by a lack of sufficient attention to the good things you and your mate share?

·         To the offended spouse:  You may currently not feel predisposed to heap praise on your mate, yet what do you see in your spouse that is good? 

·         How would the habit of giving compliments help the overall feel of the marriage?

·         To both spouses:  Why might it be easier to dwell on criticisms more than the situations warrant?

·         How would you like your mate to respond when you are making genuine efforts to be complimentary?

#5.  Confront problems before they have a chance to grow.

·         Couples who have had to endure an extramarital affair will often recognize a history of festering issues at home that have a long shelf life.  They know that if conflicts are discussed, the likelihood of the discussion going sour is too high, so they suppress.  This creates fertile grounds for the growth of disillusioned feelings, and over the course of time, one or both can rationalize why it is okay to prioritize bad choices.

·         Home ideally is a safe haven.  This means that in addition to it being a place of connecting in the good times, it is also where problems can be exposed with the hope that the partner can be a good sounding board.  This means that mature husbands and wives will not hear one another with a spirit of debate, but with a willingness to know each other more fully.

·         Being immediate in expressing your needs, hurts, or frustrations means you are less likely to allow disgruntled emotions to attach to your expressions.  When you know that your marriage is that safe harbor where you can get your thoughts into the open without fear of reprisal, your overall mood is less tense.

·         To the offending spouse:  When did you decide that the home atmosphere was not a safe place to share your deepest concerns?  How did this happen?

·         How could you contribute to the rebuilding of a home environment so it would be known as a safe place for you and your mate to discuss whatever needs to be discussed?

·         To the offended spouse:  In what ways have you witnessed that your home has been less safe to speak about difficult matters?

·         What changes would you like to see that would leave you feeling more comfortable about putting tough subjects out into the open?

·         To both spouses:  How would the marriage be better served as you determine to make it a safe haven for open communication?

#6.  Give greater attention to hearing than telling.

·         If you could identify the most important goal in marital communication, what would it be?  Most are astute enough to know that the correct answer to that question is that listening is the most important component in successful communication.  But in your home, is that really what happens?

·         If it is important to confront problems in a safe environment, then the way to make that happen is to prioritize listening, even (or especially) when you don’t agree.  If your mate has a feeling or perspective to share, even if you think it is ludicrous, remember that to that person, it makes sense.  So give the benefit of the doubt and hear it out. 

·         For instance, suppose your mate states that you blundered when you made a particular decision.  It is natural at that moment to defend and complain about the error in that person’s reasoning?  Would you be willing instead to ask for help in understanding why he or she feels that way? What harm is there in such a question?  And if you disagree with the logic your mate gives, would you be able to say that you will give thought to it anyway?

·         In every verbal exchange is a deeper covert form of communication that marriage partners respond to.  When a comment is met with a quick invalidation or rebuttal, the covert message is, “I think you’re an idiot.”  When a comment is met with a listening response, the covert message is, “You are a worthy person.”

·         Which covert message do you like to receive?

·         To the offending spouse:  In what ways have you felt futile, assuming that your mate would not be willing to listen to what you feel or perceive?

·         How would an emphasis on listening help the healing process for your marriage?

·         To the offended spouse:  Historically, how skilled has your partner been in being a good listener?  How do current circumstances compare to your historical impressions of your mate as a listener?

·         What would help you feel that your mate is truly interested in hearing you from the inside out, even when you are not on the same page?

·         What are you willing to do to show your mate that you will prioritize listening?

#7.  Be perpetually curious about ways you can improve as a marital partner.

·         No one can state that he or she is so complete that there is no need for personal improvement.  Life is a journey and will consist of highs and lows, victories and defeats.  Obviously when one spouse commits adultery it represents a low point in that person’s life, and feelings of defeat can be long lasting.  While it is good to respond to the defeat with contrition and humility, that does not have to translate into responding with a sense of lasting defeat. 

·         Rarely do individuals testify that they have grown most in personal character when things were falling into place just as the script indicated.  Rather, growth is often a painful byproduct of failure.  It is in the down moments when persons can most fully test their ability to respond to dark realities with wisdom and resolve.

·         Often, when an affair has come upon the marriage both partners will increase efforts to learn how life can take wrong turns and how those wrongs can be corrected…and that is a good thing.  Many will turn to counseling as they seek the guidance of a professional who can shine a light onto psychological blind spots.  They may attend marriage seminars, bringing an increased eagerness to learn truths that will transform.  Books will be read.  Some will return to places of worship, determined to renew spiritual priorities.  Others will be far more open than before as they discuss life with friends and personal advisors.

·         It is when a person ceases the willingness to grow that a couple could rightly conclude that the future is bleak.  When in the aftermath of a great problem the participants merely shrug and attempt to go back to business as usual, there is almost always a return of the same old ingredients that fed the potential for marital distress.

·         How curious have you become now that you have to admit that the marriage is capable of incompletion?

·         To the offending spouse:  What are some of the main lessons you are learning about yourself now that the news of your affair has broken?

·         What is good about the fact that others know you to be fallible?

·         What are you most eager to improve?  How do you plan to increase your insights and wisdom?

·         To the offended spouse:  When you witness that your mate is hungry to learn new ways to be a better person, how does that impact your efforts to be a better partner?

·         Now that the marriage has proven to be imperfect, what do you hope to learn?

·         To both spouses:  What commitments will you be willing to make to ensure that growth and learning is an ongoing part of your relationship?

#8.  Make love a matter of initiative, not a reaction.

·         It is easy to love when the other person is wonderful toward you.  The mark of true love, though, is when you do so even when the other gives little reason for it.  When each of you is mutually determined to be an initiator of love, the potential for ongoing harmony is strong.

·         In many respects each person is a reactor.  You smile at me, I’ll smile back.  You act responsibly, I’ll be responsible.  You use a friendly tone of voice, so will I.  We are each interdependent enough to be influenced by the ways people treat us.  That is normal.

·         But the tendency to be reactive needs monitoring so it will not throw you off course in those episodes when the other person is not being ideal.

·         Simply put, love does not have to be contingent upon the other person’s behaviors.  Love tied to performance is tenuous at best whereas love tied to one’s inner character is lasting.  Love can be an active, chosen path rather than simply a response to something that tugs at your heart.

·         By committing to choose love, you are not excused from making attempts to be pleasing toward your spouse.  You can still look for creative ways to let your mate know that you want the enjoyable parts of the marriage to be vibrant.  Rather, by choosing love as an initiative, you are recognizing that choice can become a bridge when feelings fall short.

·         To the offending spouse:  How would your love for your mate improve if you approached it as a matter of choice?

·         Presumably a high feeling accompanied the affair.  In retrospect, how did a feeling-based love fall short of a deeper marital commitment? 

·         In what circumstances can you choose to be loving when you don’t necessarily feel loving?

·         To the offended spouse:  There may be times when your feelings are confused or hurt, yet love can still be experienced.  How will you prioritize love even as you have moments of distressed feelings?

·         Forevermore, if you need an excuse not to love, you can cite the fact that your mate had an affair.  How will your initiative to be loving minimize this potential?

·         In what circumstances will you need most to draw upon love as a choice?

·         To both spouses:  How will your marriage have a deeper foundation of security as you approach love as an act of initiative?

·         List at least five ways each of you can show love even as the reason to love may seem weak at the moment.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.