After The Affair
Stopping The Ego Trip

·         When we examine human nature to determine what might cause individuals to be vulnerable to an extramarital affair, one unflattering feature stands out.  At the base of every personality is the preoccupation with self, false pride.  From the first moment a young child begins consciously interacting with the surrounding world, self-centeredness is a central trait.  You never have to give a young person lessons on how to act in a self absorbed manner. That prideful quality continues throughout childhood, taking on many forms, and unfortunately it does not disappear once individuals reach adulthood.  It only changes in form. 

·         Each person who has chosen adultery as a form of self expression can identify recurring thoughts and behaviors reflecting selfish cravings even when they are sure to lead to disastrous results.  Many will cloak their stories with pleasant sounding explanations about love for the third party, but beneath it all is a what’s-in-it-for-me attitude.

·         To the offending spouse:  Being as honest as you can, what selfish motives and behaviors were featured during the time you were involved in the affair?

·         How did you rationalize to yourself that this was a reasonable way to live?

·         To the offended spouse:  What evidences of selfishness did you witness during the time of your mate’s affair?

·         How were you affected emotionally by this behavior?

·         As you get a handle on the influence of selfish thinking during the affair, it is good to have as broad of an understanding as possible regarding the pervasiveness of this trait.  Let’s recognize that at the base of every negative trait in the human personality, pride is at work.  That’s a very broad statement, yet close examination will reveal it to be true. 

·         For instance, when you think in harshly critical terms, you are indulging frustrated thoughts about how life is not unfolding my way.  When you are impatient, you are annoyed that others are not attentive regarding my time tables.  When you sulk after getting your feelings hurt, you are distraught because others spoke with you in ways that did not coincide with my preferences.  When you interrupt, when you are tardy, when you talk too much, when you refuse to talk at all, when you indulge lust, when you are lazy, when you are in a perfectionistic mode, when you are excessively flirtatious, when you deceive, when you cling to anxiety…each of these instances reflects in its own way a preoccupation with self.

·         To both spouses:  As you consider how broad of an influence pride can generate, what are some of the most common ways this trait is shown in your life?

·         In the long run, how do these traits affect your marriage?

·         Why is it so seductively easy to slip into this form of behavior? 

·         When an individual entertains the idea that a hook-up with an extramarital partner would be desirable, all sorts of selfish motives push that person into action.  Notice how this can be found in the following phrases:

·         “I went after the pleasure I wanted, no matter the cost.”

·         “I was tired of living in a loveless relationship.”

·         “It made me feel good.”

·         “I didn’t want to be denied.”

·         “The other person made me feel special.”

·         “I was tired of giving to a relationship and getting nothing in return.”

·         To the offending spouse:  How pervasive would you say your selfish cravings had become? 

·         At the base of those rationalizations there may have been a valid desire, but how did you take those valid desires and turn them into selfish pursuits?

·         To the offended spouse:  What selfish rationalizations did you notice at the base of your mate’s behavior?

·         What concerns do you have that the selfish rationalizations will return?

·         In what ways do you respond to your mate’s selfishness with your own manner of selfishness?

·         To both spouses:  Looking back through your marital history, how has the presence of pride changed the ways you responded to each other within the marriage?

·         How does this prideful spirit differ from the way you responded to one another in the very beginning of your relationship?

THE ALTERNATIVE OF HUMILITY

·         If pride is at the base of so many errant attitudes and behaviors, it stands to reason that the opposite of pride, humility, will be the necessary alternative as you seek to get back onto the path of healthy relating.

·         To both spouses:  Before we consider more fully the nature of humility, what images do you have in your mind as you consider the meaning of humility?

·         If pride is defined as the preoccupation with self, humility would be defined as the lack of self preoccupation.  If pride is typified by wanting my way, humility is typified by considering how personal choices fit with others.  If pride is concerned with taking, humility is concerned with giving.  If pride prompts a yearning to be served, humility prompts a willingness to serve.

·         To both spouses:  Considering how humility creates a willingness to lay down self preoccupations, what concerns might you have that it would set you up to be taken advantage of?

·         How does humility differ from the normal attitudes and behaviors you see in people you commonly encounter?

·         Let’s be clear that even as we describe humility as an anti-pride characteristic, it does not represent weakness.  In fact, humility is the ultimate strength.  Even as persons choose to dismiss selfishness as a driving force, they can still determine to stand up for convictions.  They can still have well defined personal boundaries.  They can still confront or establish consequences for wrong behaviors.  Confidence can be maintained alongside respect for the other person.

·         The key to maintaining true humility lies in the inner motive.  Whereas prideful people will be forthcoming or strong-willed for sheer personal gain, humble people will be forthcoming or strong-willed because they have loving and helpful intentions.  Humble individuals, for instance, can still be assertive, but they do so because they truly care about the relationship and want to stand for matters that will lead to healthy outcomes.  Also, as humble people are firm, they are simultaneously givers of dignity.

·         Just as pride can be found at the base of every negative human trait, humility can be found at the base of every positive trait.  For example, humble people give high priority to treating people with respect, even in the midst of conflict.  They are known as patient.  They choose to be forgiving.  Kindness is readily demonstrated.  They give encouragement.  They do not wait for others to show cooperation before being cooperative; they act that way because it makes sense to do so.  They are reliable.  They cherish honesty.  They think how they can offer dignity toward others.  They anticipate the needs of others and act accordingly.

·         To the offending spouse:  Now that you have demonstrated how far your pride can carry you, what displays of humility would you like to prioritize?

·         How would your approach to sexual relations differ if you are guided by a mind of humility?

·         As you attempt to demonstrate humility, it is likely that your mate will be skeptical, given the stinging emotions that have been experienced recently.  How can you illustrate that your commitment to humility is not just a passing fad?

·         How will humility guide you even when your mate can’t seem to let go of the hurt that has been generated by the affair?

·         To the offended spouse:  What evidences of humility are you looking for in your mate?

·         What fears do you have that your spouse’s displays of humility may turn out to be false window dressing or just short lived?

·         In what ways do you need to concentrate on making humility a more central ingredient in your relating style?

·         To both spouses:  What primary qualities would you expect to find in a marriage that has humility at its core?

·         Often when an affair is revealed, spouses will admit that the marriage had deteriorated into an ongoing power struggle.  Defensiveness was high.  Coercive speech was too common.  Conflicts were not resolved because one or both mates are too stubborn.  Listening took a back seat to telling. 

·         Many times the straying spouse can relate to a caged animal, feeling like the marriage is so stifling that personal needs have to be suppressed or denied.  Wanting to be rid of constraints, this person can be lured in by the prospect of being with someone who will not constrain but who will liberate.  Like a dog who finds the hole in the fence, these people can run indiscriminately toward behaviors that are clearly wrong, but that seemingly represent free expression.

·         To the offending spouse:  How might the affair be understood as an attempt to get away from a stifling home atmosphere?

·         Historically, what have you wished you could say to your mate so control could be a minimal ingredient in your home?

·         To the offended spouse:  In what ways has your marriage been a struggle for power or influence?

·         Now that you know that your mate is capable of having an affair, how might you be tempted to place more controls into the marriage?

·         What do you see as the difference between a control and accountability?

CONTROL: THE ENEMY OF HUMILITY

·         As you determine to make humility a central feature of your marriage, there is one primary ingredient that will need to be removed from the equation:  control.  Prideful people have an agenda that prompts them to force circumstances into a pre-set agenda and they do not like being denied what they want.  They have fixed notions about what should be or how events ought to occur.  They often speak with insistence and persuasion, or if they are the withdrawn type of person, they harbor quiet stubbornness and they punish by withdrawing.  They over use words like must, should, supposed to, had better, got to, and have to.

·         When a spouse enters an affair it represents an attempt to control life so one’s personal agenda will be satisfied.  Of course, because of the dishonesty and manipulation that is inherent in this pursuit, the course of action is doomed to disaster, but that does not stop the individuals from trying to get their way.

·         To the offending spouse:  What is your history of trying to be in control?  How is your controlling nature displayed?

·         How would you say the affair was an extension of your controlling nature?

·         By attempting to be in control, how did your life start spinning out of control?

·         To the offended spouse:  What traits have you seen in your mate that seemed to indicate a controlling agenda?

·         When you feel you are being controlled, how might you attempt to respond with your own controlling behaviors?

Releasing Control In Favor Of Freedom

·         Whether you had a history of control within your marriage or not, as you attempt to get back to normal, you will find that the effort to control the straying spouse will not be productive.  When humans feel that they are being fenced in, a natural rebellion will develop.  Even when compliance and coordination seem to be restored, if it is driven by a dutiful response to controlling demands, what kind of relationship do you really have?

·         To remove the prideful temptation to control, couples can determine that their relationship will be a place where freedom exists in abundance.  This may seem risky, given the ways freedom was abused during the affair, yet humans will respond best to the need for commitment and reliability only when it is a choice, not an obligation.  Accountability can still be in place and consequences for errant behaviors can still be enacted.  Freedom is not the absence of structure, but the presence of choices.

·         When couples attempt to reconcile after an affair, the commitment to freedom helps them determine if they indeed have sufficient similarities to continue.  Once individuals realize they are fully free to be what they want, it can lead to the question, “Who am I?”  If couples cannot answer such a question with similar responses, there is a strong likelihood that they do not belong together.

·         To the offending spouse:  As you consider the prospect of returning to the marriage with a spirit of humility, how important is it for you to respond with a mind of freedom rather than a mind of obligation?

·         What would be different in your future efforts to coordinate with your spouse if you acted with freedom, not with a spirit of control?

·         To the offended spouse:  What might seem risky about letting your mate feel free?

·         What is the up side to letting your mate be free in the way he or she returns to the marital commitment?

·         When you cease controlling, relating with freedom, you will notice significant changes in your communication.  Coercion will cease.  Speaking your mind but without insistence will increase.  Stubbornness will give way to flexibility.  You will feel much less need to defend, opening the way for better listening.  When you have a point to make, it will be spoken and finished.  Repetitions or lectures will fade.  Feelings and needs will be clearly expressed as suppression will cease.  Flaws and character defects will be admitted.  Secrets will not be kept.

·         To both spouses:  How is a marriage that is typified by freedom influenced by an attitude of humility?

·         How would you handle communication (especially in conflicts) as you remember that both you and your mate are truly free?

·         Since the marriage commitment will not be construed as a dutiful obligation, how will you approach one another when strains arise or when frustrations return?

MARRIAGE WITH A PURPOSE

·         Humility coupled with freedom will not yield the desired results in your marriage unless it is accompanied by a sense of mission.  You create a sense of positive purpose when you have well defined notions about who you want to be as a couple and where you want to go together in life.  Are you coordinated in this matter?

·         To both spouses:  List five goals for a happy life that you would like to accomplish as a couple.

·         Knowing that you and your mate cannot be on the same page every moment of every day, how will your sense of purpose guide you through the potential times of disconnect?

·         What do you wish your spouse could do most consistently to create and maintain a spirit of servitude within the marriage?