After The Affair
From Anger To Forgiveness

·         When couples attempt to make sense of an adulterous affair, one issue sure to surface is anger.  The offended spouse will feel all sorts of emotions that are ultimately under the anger umbrella:  resentment, bitterness, annoyance, agitation, frustration, depression, irritability, disillusionment, betrayal, and the like.  Anger is not a single dimensioned feeling and it can be manifested in a broad array of expressions. 

·         The offending spouse can experience anger as the grueling task of figuring out what went wrong unfolds.  This person too can be bitterly defensive, argumentative, surly, blaming, invalidating, and rejecting.  Each of these traits can indicate an anger that has not been successfully resolved.

·         But before examining the anger that happens after the affair is discovered, it is necessary to be aware of the anger that preceded the wrong behavior.  Usually there was unresolved anger inside the marriage, and left unfinished, it served as a push for the one tempted to commit adultery.  Often the couple will admit that the marriage was a place where arguments were unsuccessfully resolved.  Perhaps there was a history of bickering.  Communication may have been typified by coercive and persuasive tones.  Insults may have been too common.  Tensions were left hanging.

·         Some couples, however, will recall very little open aggression prior to the affair, so they might conclude that anger was not really a factor in the adultery.  But such an assumption is usually inaccurate.  Often the straying spouse has a history of attempting to look collected on the outside while inwardly suppressing unresolved frustration and resentment. 

·         Whether anger has been experienced in the form of open hostility or suppressed tensions, the adulterer can harbor thoughts of taking care of personal desires through whatever means are required.  While that person may have smiled and played in the midst of the affair, rebellion was a trait pushing the behavior along. (“I don’t care if this behavior is wrong, I’m going to do it anyway.  I’m tired of having to fit someone else’s mold.”)

·         To the offending spouse:  What feelings of rebellion were building inside prior to engaging in the affair?

·         How did you allow your frustrations influence your decision to act as you did?

·         What deficiencies do you see in your marriage that have made the resolution of anger difficult?

·         To the offended spouse:  What anger have you observed in your mate, both prior to the affair and after the affair?

·         How would you rate yourself in the willingness to be a part of successfully addressing anger?

·         How have you added to the problem of anger when it is time to tend to anger-provoking situations inside your marriage?

·         Anger can be understood as the emotion of self preservation.  It occurs in response to criticism, alienation, misunderstanding, invalidation, or some other form of negative communication.  When anger is aroused, it prompts the individual to take a stand for personal worth, needs, and convictions.  The angry person wishes to communicate:

·         “Treat me with respect.”

·         “Notice that I have needs that should be met more appropriately.”

·         “I have convictions that will not allow me to stand by and be neutral.”

·         In one sense, anger has a function of righting wrongs.  It can be the impetus that causes a person to take action so new and healthy adjustments can occur.  But more commonly, anger can be the emotion that prompts individuals to stray outside the lines.  Feeling futile about the prospects of being heard, these people take matters into their own hands by doing whatever they feel is necessary to address personal desires, even if it means going counter to common sense or solid principles.

·         Unfaithful spouses often have understandable reasons for their emotions.  Just because the behavior is wrong, it should not be assumed that the frustrations are always unwarranted.  For example, it could indeed be the case that the straying spouse had been rebuffed by his mate.  Or perhaps communication was broken.  Maybe boredom had settled into the marriage despite efforts to the contrary.

·         But even if the anger prior to the affair had legitimate roots, it still cannot be argued that an affair is the wisest way to resolve that anger.

·         As you attempt to heal from the affair, you and your mate can determine that you will manage your anger in a much healthier manner. 

·         Rather than suppressing it or expressing it in an abrasive manner, you can decide together that you will engage in assertive communication as you confront bothersome subjects.

·         To the offending spouse:  Now that the affair has been discovered, how do you feel about the way you attempted to take care of your presumed needs?

·         What would you like to do differently so the anger will not build again like it had been building prior to the affair?

·         To the offended spouse:  Looking back, how had anger been building prior to your mate having the affair?

·         In retrospect, how could you have addressed the anger more constructively with your mate?

ASSERTIVE ANGER

·         No marriage is devoid of conflict, so growing couples determine that when they feel annoyed and frustrated they can use assertiveness as the address what is wrong. 

·         Assertive anger can be defined as taking a stand for personal worth, needs, and convictions while also being constructive and considerate of the feelings and needs of the other person.  Assertiveness is not the same as pushiness or brazenness, as some have assumed.  Rather it involves speaking truth while also maintaining dignity toward all involved.

·         To both spouses:  In what ways have you tended to communicate anger without showing respect toward the other person?

·         How has the abrasive form of anger affected your relationship?

·         By choosing to address issues with accompanying dignity, how would your disagreements turn out differently?

·         Assertiveness can include all sorts of behavioral and communicational adjustments.  For example, in assertiveness you could:

·         Set time limits on events that are not mutually enjoyed

·         Speak about your hurts without insults, just sticking to the necessary explanations

·         Stating opinions firmly yet with a respectful tone of voice

·         Addressing problems in the open

·         Asking questions when confused, but not asking questions for the purpose of inducing guilt

·         Saying no when necessary

·         To both spouses:  What agreements could you make so the atmosphere inside the marriage would be most conducive to assertive expressions?

·         How would the commitment to pure assertiveness differ from the ways you managed anger prior to the affair?

·         Even if you do not agree with your mate about the subject causing the anger, how could you still handle yourself so the tension will not escalate?

RELEASING ANGER

·         There are times when spouses feel a legitimate desire to speak up in self preservation, but the circumstances would inhibit a successful exchange of assertiveness.  Sometimes, this can prompt husbands and wives to suppress the tense emotions, but that does not have to happen.  When anger is not going to be handled with productive results, releasing the anger is a productive alternative.

·         Releasing anger means that the individual is willing to set aside the effort to address personal needs in order to pursue higher priorities than anger.  The anger itself may have a valid base, yet the timing or the emphasis may not be appropriate.  People willing to release anger are committed to qualities such as patience, composure, tolerance, mercy, cooperation, and the like.  They are willing to give their emotional energies to these traits because they choose not to be ultimately defined by their anger.

·         To each spouse:  In what circumstances might you set aside the need to assert and release the anger instead? 

·         How is releasing anger different from simply suppressing the anger, saving it for another time?

·         What are some ongoing differences between the two of you that you may just need to accept?

·         How can the acceptance of each other’s differences be a form of showing love (one of your higher priorities)? 

·         One of the most necessary aspects of releasing anger is forgiveness.  When an affair occurs, it is impossible for full restitution to occur since the damage is already done, no matter how contrite the straying one is.  New boundaries can be put into place.  Hurt can be expressed.  Confrontations can be clearly made.  But at some point the offended spouse will need to recognize that ongoing angry responses will help no one, including oneself.   For healing to come full circle, forgiveness will need to occur.

·         Some offended spouses will protest that the adultery is too high of a crime and that the deception accompanying it has been so humiliating that the offending spouse does not deserve forgiveness.  Given the serious nature of adultery, it is hard to argue that this person does not have ample reason to remain angry, yet the longer the anger continues with no resolution, the one holding the hurt and resentment will be the most damaged. 

·         To the offended spouse:  You may feel that forgiveness is too good for your mate, given the pain that has been caused.  Why,  though, would forgiveness be a reasonable alternative to anger?

·         What would you hope to accomplish by forgiving?

·         To the offending spouse:  Knowing that it could seem arrogant to demand forgiveness, what could you do to indicate that you are ready to be forgiven?

DEFINING FORGIVENESS

·         Misconceptions can abound regarding the nature of forgiveness, especially when the couple is facing such a loaded subject as adultery.  For instance, some might say:

·         “I’d just be sending the message that he (or she) can get away with doing wrong.”

·         “Forgiveness means the other person wins and I lose.”

·         “I guess I’ll just have to put a smile on my face and say that everything’s ok.”

·         “One more time I’m forced to play the good guy role while the other person acts with raw selfishness.”

·         “It feels like I’m going soft on something that requires toughness.”

·         To the offended spouse:  What might seem awkward about the decision to forgive?

·         What wrong message do you fear might be received by the straying spouse if you say that you forgive?

·         Forgiveness can become the preferred choice once you understand what it is and what it is not.  Forgiveness is defined as the willingness to let go of harmful or ineffective forms of anger, turning the resolution of the wrong to God. (Or at least it will mean that you let go of the temptation to attempt to assume a God-like right of judgment over the person.)

·         Forgiveness is not:

·         Letting go of healthy expressions of anger

·         Allowing your mate to continue disrespecting you

·         Lying down and becoming a doormat

·         Letting the offender assume that the past is irrelevant and that everything is fine now.

·         Agreeing to live as nothing wrong happened

·         Denying that you still have pain associated with the affair.

·         Forgiveness is:

·         Dropping the demand for repayment, since no price will suffice

·         Freeing yourself to focus on rewarding behaviors and attitudes

·         Refraining from the temptation to continue insulting the offender

·         Becoming forward-looking about life, realizing that new challenges await you

·         Making choices that will lead to contentment and peace.

·         To the offending spouse: Even as you recognize that you may never be able to rationalize why you should be forgiven, why would you like to see your spouse choose to forgive?

·         How would you be positively affected as you receive forgiveness?

·         To the offended spouse:  As you consider the pros and cons of forgiveness, what reasons can you find that would cause you to conclude that forgiveness is a good choice?

·         How would the recovery process be changed as you choose forgiveness?

·         Let’s approach the subject of anger and forgiveness with a sense of realism, recognizing that the pain accompanying an affair is real and that the marriage will never be the same.  To forgive you will need to make room for the reality that life can sometimes give you circumstances that are unwarranted.  Bad things happen and no one is immune. 

·         Even as you choose to manage your anger with the highest integrity, recognize that certain realities remain:

·         #1.  Grief will still visit your marriage. The standard you had hoped to maintain for your marriage has been breached and this creates feelings of sadness. It is ok to say that you are upset, even as you choose to move forward with forgiveness.

·         #2.  Loneliness can still recur.  There will be times when you feel all alone, wondering if anyone could really appreciate what you have struggled with.

·         #3.  Idealism is officially dead.  If you had a history of thinking in idealistic terms, those days are over.  You do not necessarily have to assume that the future is going to be chronically gloomy, yet you will know that you cannot boast that you have lived the charmed life.

·         #4.  Doubt can continue to plague you.  Often couples say they would divorce after an affair is exposed, but the price is too high with respect to the kids or the financial costs.  The couple can move forward hoping for the best, but nagging questions can linger in the mind about whether the marriage can ever be satisfactory again.

·         To the offended spouse:  Knowing that lingering frustrations can continue, how do you plan to keep them from becoming too prominent?

·         What good is still left in your marriage and family life that will sustain you in the months and years ahead?

·         To the offending spouse:  You may feel like you will have to live for a long time with a dark cloud over your head.  How can you prevent this from feeding a system of lingering tension and frustration?

·         If you have ever had surgery you know that you will have a period of intense pain, followed by tough rehabilitation.  Even as the rehab ceases, you may still experience after-effects of the surgery. 

·         In the same way, you may feel that your marriage will be similar to walking with an emotional limp for a long time.  Yet as you recognize that there is little to be gained by holding onto lingering anger, you can continue your forward movement.  Determine not to let your hurt feelings override your decision to move forward with forgiveness.

·         To each spouse:  How do you plan to balance the need for forgiveness and the reality that the effects of the affair may stay for an extended period of time?