After The Affair
Discerning Fact From Fiction

·         When an affair has been discovered, confusion can engulf each spouse, but for different reasons.  The offending spouse clearly has illustrated a lack of full commitment to the marriage, so there are questions about that person’s loyalty to the marriage.

·         Am I willing to do the work necessary to restore our union?

·         Do I care enough about my mate?

·         What do I do with the third party?  Were we in love or was it unreal?

·         What does this say about my values and character? 

·         How am I going to navigate through my spouse’s unpredictable feelings?

·         The offended spouse has plenty to ponder as well.  Knowing that the mate has chosen to betray the ultimate trust, questions abound.

·         Can we ever be a loving couple again?

·         Will I have to police my mate’s whereabouts for the rest of our time together?

·         Was I that bad of a partner?

·         How do I get to the place of forgiveness?  Do I even feel that forgiveness is justified?

·         How can I feel comfortable being sexual with my mate from now on?

·         To the offending spouse: What would you say are the most pressing questions facing you as you try to make sense of the affair?

·         What questions do you discern are most pressing in your spouse?  What seems legitimate about those questions?

·         To the offended spouse:  What questions are most prominent as you attempt to make sense of the affair?

·         How might your spouse help make this time of confusion less agonizing?

·         A key indicator that the recovery process will not go well is when the offending spouse shows a lack of insight or insists that the issue be quickly laid to rest. 

·         An affair does not happen for no reason, so once it is in the open, couples improve the odds for successful resolution when they demonstrate a willingness to dig into the meaning of it all. 

·         Too often the offending spouse will attempt to hide behind weak excuses or perhaps a dismissive attitude will be prominent.  This needs to be avoided.

·         Let’s look at some of the pitfalls of a dismissive attitude that can be avoided:

The use of the word “but”

·         When the straying spouse repeatedly uses the word “but” it demonstrates how strongly that individual wants to sidestep personal responsibility for the problem.  “But” can be a signal that this individual is more interested in blaming or rationalizing than searching for the truth.  For instance, a straying spouse might say something like:

·         I know I was wrong in what I did, but I was under a lot of stress at work.

·         I tried to talk with you about my unhappiness, but you never would listen.

·         I know this shouldn’t have happened, but our marriage has been bad for a long time.

·         I admit that I did it, but this just isn’t me.

·         I did wrong, but you weren’t exactly innocent either.

·         To the offending spouse:  When are you most inclined to use the word “but”?

·         What are you attempting to accomplish when you inject this word into the discussion?

·         How do you suppose your spouse feels each time you inject “but” into the discussion?

·         To the offended spouse:  What is your reaction when your spouse uses the word “but” in discussing the affair?

Hiding behind “I don’t know”

·         Another pitfall that hinders restoration is the use of the phrase “I don’t know.”  Often when a spouse is asked to make an account for the transaction, this phrase is repeated even as the offended spouse writhes in agony trying to make sense of what has happened.  Usually the “I don’t know” phrase” is more accurately interpreted as:

·         I don’t want to talk about it.

·         I’d rather just discuss the weather.

·         Leave me alone.

·         Don’t make me think.

·         I don’t like taking responsibility for my actions.

·         Let’s not make a habit of discussing uncomfortable subjects.

·         Everything we do is preceded by a specific choice.  We may not always seriously deliberate those choices, nonetheless reasoning is involved.  Prior to the affair ensuing, enough rationalization is in place to prompt the straying spouse to negate the seriousness of the marital commitment so the new behavior can be enacted.  In order to minimize the potential for further indiscrete choices, it is wise to identify the rationale that went into the decision to become sexually involved with the third party.  An unwillingness to take a hard inward look adds to ongoing ineffective relational patterns.

·         To the offending spouse:  When are you most likely to hide behind the “I don’t know” excuse”? 

·         What are you afraid of confronting or disclosing?

·         To the offended spouse:  When your partner repeatedly uses “I don’t know, what does this say to you?

·         What would you rather hear instead?  Are you willing to discuss matters even if it may be painful?

·         Other rationalizations can accompany the efforts to determine the reasons for an affair.  They might include something like:

·         It wouldn’t have happened if there was no alcohol involved.

·         I was pressured by the other person.

·         I guess this means I’m in a midlife crisis.

·         I wouldn’t have done it if we hadn’t argued so much lately.

·         These (and other explanations) may have merit, but often they sidetrack the offending spouse from coming forward with a full admission regarding the wrongness of the act.  The offended spouse needs to hear clearly, “I did it, no excuses.”

·         To both spouses:  What are some of the other rationalizations that have been used as you have attempted to discuss the problem?

·         How would your efforts to move forward improve if you ceased all excuses and rationalizations?

RESTORING MEANING

·         When the bonds of sexual commitment are broken, the couple can be forced to deeply contemplate the meaning of the relationship as never before.  For the marriage to continue, it is not satisfactory for either partner to simply say, “I guess we’ll just let bygones be bygone.”  Meaningful thought needs to be invested as the couple gets back on a path toward satisfactory interaction.

·         To help you delve into meaningful discussions about where you want to go in restoring the relationship, let’s examine some key questions.

Why does marriage warrant such a deep commitment?

·         Every person enters life with a need to be loved.  In the developmental years it is the mother and father who are given the task of letting the child know that love is a reliable feature in the home.  Ideally, once the individual crosses the line into the adult years, the parents take a secondary role as the marriage becomes the place where fullest love is experienced.  As a man and woman commit to loving one another in a manner unlike any other relationship, each spouse can have a surge of confidence and purpose.  Sharing love, couples can remind each other what respect and dignity look like. 

·         When a man purely loves his wife he indicates that while he might find other women to be attractive or pleasant, none holds a place of honor as she does.  She is that special.  By choosing to cling only to her, he indicates that she is worthy of his devotion, and of course, this ideally results in her feeling valued.  Likewise as a wife promises to be loyal to her husband, setting aside any desires for other men, she indicates to him that he is held in highest regard.  He is unique above all others.

·         The marital commitment is intended to perpetuate feelings of value and worth.

·         To both spouses:  How did the focus on the uniqueness of the marital relationship fade prior to the affair?

·         As you reconsider the possibility of restoring uniqueness to the marital relationship, how can you demonstrate to your mate how special this relationship is?

·         To the offended spouse:  What can your spouse say or do to illustrate that the marital commitment is once again central to his or her feelings?

What role does sex play in a growing marriage?

·         In our sexually liberated world, some scoff at the notion of sex as a contract, yet it is intriguing to recognize the intense bonding that develops when two people engage in sexual intercourse. 

·         No other behavior comes close to creating such a deep inner connection.  You can shake hands with other people.  You can hug.  You can pay compliments.  You can exchange gifts.  But only sex takes a man and woman into the depths of emotion and meaning that indicates that something very special has been broached. 

·         Ideally the sexual bond communicates, “I honor you in a manner that I honor no one else.  You stand alone as the one I want to share life with as my most intimate partner.”

·         To the offending spouse:  How did you let yourself forget or minimize the significance of sex so you could engage in this behavior with someone outside the marriage?

·         Now \that you have experienced how painful it is to admit to your mate that this contract has been broken, how has your appreciation for the meaning of sex changed?

·         To the offended spouse:  What do you believe about the necessity of sexual unity with no outside interference?

·         Now that this bond has been broken, what can your mate do to indicate to you that sex is more than just a physical involvement, that it has deep meaning?

THE NATURE OF LOVE

·         It is common for straying spouses to say something like, “My mate is just not the person I married.  The energy is not there like it used to be.  She’s put on weight.  Her hair is graying.  The thrill is gone.” 

·         The implication of such words (and certainly a straying wife can feel this way as can a straying husband) is that once the surge of elation wanes and once routine sets in, love is lost. 

·         To the offending spouse:  How did the loss of the initial thrill of marriage factor into your decision to go outside the marriage for sexual gratification?

·         What does your need for fresh stimulation say about your approach to being a devoted partner?

·         To the offended spouse:  As you consider your mate’s infidelity, what interpretation do you place on your mate’s understanding of the meaning of love?

·         How would you like to build on a form of love that outlasts mere romantic rush?

·         True love can certainly involve feelings of elation, but deeper marital love also includes a feeling of belongingness.  With this form of love, the devoted husband and wife know each other in ways that no one else in the world can approximate. 

·         As partners age together, they see each other’s pluses and minuses.  They learn to anticipate each other’s moves and to respond to the little life matters that they share with no one else.  For instance, belongingness love is shown as one spouse picks up items at the grocery store that is a favorite of the other, or when favors are done without asking, or when time is spent chatting on the back patio over a cup of morning coffee.  It indicates a familiarity that can only be found in the passing of time in common life circumstances.

·         Belongingness is accompanied by a feeling of pleasure and contentment which leads to spontaneous expressions of gratitude and appreciation.  Sexual interactions can be a part of this form of love even when the passion is not at its peak.  Spouses who feel a sense of belonging simply enjoy multiple forms of letting the other know that that person’s company is desirable.

·         To both spouses:  What expressions of love (no matter how seemingly small) do you share with one another which indicate comfort and belonging?

·         What might cause the two of you to forget to continue in the simple expressions of belongingness love?

·         What commitments are you willing to make to your spouse that will increase the expressions of belongingness love?

·         To the offending spouse:  How did you convince yourself that belongingness love had to be supplanted by the rush of the more emotionally charged affair?

Temptations may not be eliminated, but they can be controlled.

·         Clearly when one spouse crosses the boundary to engage in sexual activity with a person other than the spouse, there is an element of temptation that won.  The individual was enticed to exchange flirtations with the other person.  Questions existed in the mind, but were overruled.  Good judgment was vetoed by questionable decisions. 

·         As a couple seeks reconciliation, it is natural for the offended spouse to question if the straying partner can stifle future temptations.  Let’s recognize that the temptations will always exist.  People of the opposite sex will be a part of both partners’ lives.  Attractions will be registered in the mind.  And perhaps suggestive circumstances will recur.  The question for the couple wishing for restoration is not, “Will you cease having tempting situations,” but “Can you resist temptation when it appears again?”

·         To the offending spouse:  What are some circumstances when you could potentially face the temptation to be unfaithful once again?

·         What will be different in the future as you recognize such a possibility?

·         To the offended spouse:  How do you feel, knowing that your mate can still be presented with tempting circumstances?

·         What steps would you like your mate to take to avoid falling prey to any future temptations?

·         Knowing that you cannot monitor your spouse’s every future activity, what reassurances of love can your mate give you to keep you from drowning in anxiety?

·         Part of avoiding temptations is accepting that no ideal relationship exists.  When an affair occurs, it might be easy to idealize the third party, but time and experience with that person would reveal that perfection could not be found with that person just as it has not been found with the spouse.  Individuals who engage in an affair often rationalize, “If I pass up this relationship, I might never find one as good again.” 

·         Over time, any relationship will reveal flaws, and it is normal for spouses to desire relief from those flaws.  But the mark of a healthy marriage is the ability to communicate realistically about those flaws so harmony can be maintained.  Looking for an ideal replacement is not part of that plan.

·         To the offending spouse:  What are some of the ideals that you were hoping to find as you engaged with the third party?

·         How would your approach to marriage be improved if you learned to either accept or communicate with your spouse more effectively about existing flaws?

·         To the offended spouse:  What idealisms do you think your spouse was seeking in the affair?

·         What flaws do you think could be constructively discussed as you seek to rebuild the relationship with your mate?

·         Getting honest about marriage is work and it involves a willingness to discuss hard truths in an ongoing fashion.  Those seeking to avoid the pitfalls of an affair will acknowledge that there is no such thing as an ideal marriage, but they will also recognize that satisfaction is still within reach as imperfections are addressed.  Successful marriages are not typified perfection, but by enduring commitment to growth, especially when strains exist.  Anyone can be committed to a relationship that is wonderful all the time, but a mature relationship is shown when commitment is maintained even as frustrations need addressing.

·         Your task from here on out is to have fullest honesty and clean communication as you define how you wish to relate inside the marital commitment.

·         To both spouses:  How will your approach to loving one another change now that this flaw has come into your life?