After The Affair
There's Been an Affair, Now What?

·         When an affair has been discovered, there are a multitude of responses that can flood the mind of the offended spouse. 

·         How could this happen?

·         Why didn’t I see it coming?

·         Will the marriage end?

·         Who knows about it?

·         How will this affect the kids?

·         Am I going to get an STD?

·         How can we ever re-establish trust?

·         I’ve been played for a fool.

·         Because of the deep bonding that exists in the sexual union, it is uncommon for a mate to receive the news of a spouse’s affair with a ho-hum attitude.  Ideally, sex is meant to be a contract within a marriage signifying that this is a relationship unlike any other.  When sexual union is shared with another, that uniqueness is compromised, leaving the offended spouse feeling defrauded.

·         Shock and disbelief are common responses to the news of an affair.  Virtually no one enters marriage with the forethought of such an intrusion.  Instead each couple has the expectation that their relationship will be unique above all others.  An affair represents behavior outside that boundary. 

·         As shock and disbelief are registered there is usually a flood of thoughts, often obsessive in nature.  For example, the injured spouse can retrace events that hinted at the presence of an affair.  Confusion is invariably felt because of the ever changing nature of the emerging story.  In many cases, the offended spouse wonders if he or she has lost touch reality as fear and anger lead them to great bewilderment.

·         Sometimes the injured mate can sink into depression, and for that matter the offending spouse can also have agony and despair as questions swirl about the ambiguity that has been dropped onto the marriage.  In fact, a lack of some form of emotional turmoil is unusual.  Feelings of failure are prominent, as is deep disillusionment.  Headaches can recur.  Sleep can be disrupted.  Rapid heartbeat can develop as can anxiety attacks.

·         When an affair is forced out into the open, the goal is not to eliminate painful emotions, since that would be a denial of humanness.  Rather the goal is to manage them so truth can be gathered and healing can eventually occur.

·         To the offended spouse:  What were the immediate thoughts and feelings you experienced when you learned of your mate’s affair?

·         How did you feel about the way your spouse responded to you once the news came out into the open?

·         What kinds of responses will you need in the immediate future from your partner so you can sift out the confusion?

·         Some surveys indicate that as many as 40% of married men and 33% of married women will at some point become involved in an extramarital affair.  About 1/3 of those who have had one affair will repeat with one or more.  Living in a sexualized culture, it can be difficult for some to resist the temptation to indulge powerful emotions and the curiosity that prompts a married man or woman to engage in sexual activities outside the marriage.

·         There are a multitude of factors that can push individuals into an affair (more on these in subsequent sections), but let’s first acknowledge that when persons are engaged in a tryst, they operate for a while inside a bubble of  non-reality that comes crashing down once the truth is brought into the light.  Prior to the discovery of an affair, adulterous men and women can convince themselves that they are invincible and they can satisfy their immediate urges while not bringing damage to themselves or their spouses.  But on the “back side” of the affair, things look quite different. 

·         To the offending spouse:  How did you convince yourself that you could behave as you did while still maintaining normalcy within the marriage?  What rationalizations did you believe?

·         What feelings of love did you think you were experiencing as the affair occurred?  How has open disclosure changed your perception of that person?

·         How are you feeling now that the adultery is out in the open?

·         What would you like to say to your spouse to indicate that you truly want to refute your wrong choices so you can begin the work of restoring the marriage?

·         To move beyond the affair, the offending spouse needs to openly acknowledge that the feelings that were so central to the affair were unreliable at best.  Usually this acknowledgement does not emerge overnight. 

·         Sometimes it takes weeks, even months, for the emotional entanglements to unfold.  Often the disclosing process is sloppy, but the offending partner will do all involved a favor to get all the facts out early rather than letting them trickle out in a piecemeal fashion.

·         To the offending spouse:  What will change in your relationship with the third party now that the relationship is fully known?

·         How have your emotions toward your spouse changed since you chose to have the affair?

·         To the offended spouse:  What emotional responses are you looking for from your mate that would indicate that there may be a chance to put the pieces back together?

·         Don’t expect the emotions to settle out in a brief time period.  It is normal for couples to have strong jags of hurt, anger, and disillusionment for six months or longer.  Often an offended spouse will have flashbacks years after the fact when the subject crosses his or her mind. (For instance, a scene in a movie can spark a reaction or perhaps learning of a friend’s affair can cause wounded feelings to resurface.)  Patience is required as you try to decipher how you can get back to a consistently steady frame of mind.

·         In the meantime, there are a couple of immediate adjustments that need to be put into place as you begin the process of healing.

THE TWO D’s

·         To begin illustrating that the affair is over and restitution is truly desired, the offending spouse will need to remove two D’s from his or her life style:  Deception and Deservedness.

·         Deception.  In the history of humanity, there has never been an extramarital affair that was not also accompanied with some form of deception or secrecy.  Lies are told about whereabouts.  Secrets are kept about the third party’s identity.  Money is hidden.  Meetings are clandestine.  Internet communications are enacted via hidden means.  Time is unaccounted for.  Even when the affair is discovered, only partial truths are revealed.  Admissions are only made up to the level the offending spouse thinks the offended spouse knows.

·         When an offending spouse indicates that there is a genuine desire to restore trust, all deception needs to be laid to rest.  The sooner, the better, no matter how humiliating it may be.  This means that past deceptions need to be disclosed and current and future variables need to be fully known.

·         To the offended spouse:  What factors in your mate’s life style do you want to be placed into the open?  (For instance, credit card receipts, cell phone bills, rendezvous sites).

·         How can your mate make adjustments in life style that would let you know that accountability in general is more forthcoming? 

·         What are your thoughts about bringing trusted people into the loop so accountability can be most thorough?

·         To the offending spouse:  What are you willing to disclose to your mate that you previously kept secret?

·         What are you not willing to disclose?  Why?

·         What adjustments do believe are reasonable so you can be held accountable…for as long as it takes? 

·         Who else (besides you spouse) would you be willing to discuss the affair with for the purpose of maintaining accountability? 

·         How did you allow yourself to rationalize your dishonesties?

·         What do you see as the link between honesty and the feeling of safety in sexual relations with your spouse?

·         Even if your spouse may not like what you have to disclose, why is it important to be starkly honest in the restoration process?

·         Deservedness.  Removing deception involves adjusting the many exterior elements that were part of the affair.  Removing deservedness involves adjusting the inner spirit of the offender.  When an affair has occurred, the offending spouse does not have the right to tell the spouse how things should proceed.  The offender has lost the right to make demands.  Likewise nothing that implies a mind of entitlement needs to be maintained by the offending spouse.  That person is entitled to nothing.

·         For instance, let’s suppose a husband has had an affair, then as his wife expresses dismay and disillusionment he tells her that she has to get her act together and quit griping.  That would represent a spirit of deservedness.  He has no right to request that she feel positively disposed toward him.  He has lost the position of influence that would prompt him to give her guidance regarding her feelings.  He cannot legitimately say, “Here is what you need to do for me.”

·         Or suppose a wife has had an affair and the husband wants her to cease being with associates who were directly involved in her deceptive behavior, yet the wife insists that she will continue with the same social habits.  That would indicate a spirit of deservedness.  Her attitude implies that she still wants to be in control even when her behaviors illustrate that her judgment is suspect and that her life is spinning out of control.  If she proceeds with a mindset that indicates, “You owe me,” she has clearly not arrived at a position conducive to reconciliation.

·         While it is not reasonable for the offended spouse to use the affair as an excuse to become overbearing and punishing, neither is it reasonable for the offending spouse to be the one who calls the shots regarding the steps toward reconciliation.

·         To the offended spouse:  In what ways have you sensed that your mate is trying too hard to force reconciliation his or her way?

·         How would you prefer your mate to respond instead?

·         How about an attitude of entitlement?  In what ways might the offending spouse illustrate that egotism is still playing too strong of a role as the two of you attempt to reconcile?

·         To the offending spouse:  How would your demeanor differ if you laid down your demands and let your spouse guide you regarding the best ways to reconstruct an atmosphere of trust?

·         In what ways have you been too demanding since the news of your affair broke?

·         How would your communicate improve if you laid down those demands?

·         The attitude of deservedness will decrease as the mind of contrition increases.  The offended spouse wants to know that there is a true sense of guilt and remorse for the choices made and for the calloused disregard for the marriage that was displayed during the events surrounding the affair. 

·         Wrongs need to be labeled as wrong.  Excuses need to be set aside as the offending spouse shows a willingness to take the necessary medicine.

·         To the offended spouse:  What expressions would tell you that true guilt and remorse have been experienced by the offending spouse?

·         What attitudes (not just behaviors) would change as a result of true contrition?

·         To the offending spouse:  Your mate is unlikely to believe your expressions of guilt right away.  It is common to hear, “You’re just sorry because you got caught.”  What can you say that indicates that you truly do regret what you have done?

·         How will you demonstrate the sincerity of your contrition in the weeks, months, and years to come?

·         How will you handle yourself in the predictable event that your mate struggles to believe you even as much time has passed and you are on good behavior?

RESPONSES TOWARD THE THIRD PARTY

·         As long as the third party is on the scene, reconciliation remains elusive.  That person needs to be out of the picture as thoroughly as can be managed. 

·         Sometimes the third party is a coworker or a neighbor, or sometimes it may even be a close friend or relative.  The offending spouse probably did not envision the powerful repercussions while the affair was ongoing, but now that it is known, it is clear that the third party needs to be one who is not going to be part of the couple’s social circle.

·         To the offending spouse:  What plans do you have to insure that the third party will be out of your life and your spouse’s life?

·         What are reasonable boundaries that your mate should expect to be in place so there can be no possibility of repeat behaviors, especially with this person?

·         To the offended spouse:  What do you want your spouse to change so you can be assured that the third party will not be a part of your mate’s life ever again?

·         How might you enlist the help of others to help you feel comfortable that the third party will indeed be removed from your mate’s life?

·         There are times when the offended spouse wants to confront the third party to clearly communicate the hurt that has been caused by the affair.  Often the offending spouse will protest such a move, but to do so indicates a spirit of deservedness.  It is the prerogative of the offended spouse to decide if further contact with the third party need to happen.  It can be legitimate to let that person know how the affair harmed the marriage.   Also, it can be legitimate to speak with the third party’s mate (if he or she is married or in a committed relationship) so the circle of accountability can be fully managed.

·         Some offending spouses protest that it is unfair or embarrassing or humiliating for the marital partner to confront the lover, but such a protest is empty.  In the spirit of removing deservedness, it is reasonable to admit that when a marital partner takes the risk of bringing in a paramour, humiliation will probably accompany discovery.  That is the way it works when such a choice is enacted.

·         To the offended spouse:  What would you like to say to the third party about your reaction to the affair?

·         Keeping in mind that you do not want to feed your own unhealthy emotions or attitudes, how could you handle yourself best as you communicate with the third party?

·         There is no guarantee that the third party will respond in the manner that you would prefer, yet it is not your job to force correct responses, only to be forthright in the way you communicate.  How can you prepare yourself for the potential that this person will be less than appropriate in responding to your disclosures?

·         To the offending spouse:  Remembering that it is not your place to make the third party feel comfortable if your mate confronts that person, you can communicate that you are no longer willing to continue the relationship in any way in the future.  What would be a reasonable way for you to accomplish this?

·         How do you plan to react if the third party attempts to contact you even as you have been clear that you do not want to receive it?

WHAT ABOUT SEPARATION?

·         In many cases separation is the only route to true healing, yet such an option has considerable risks.  Usually separation is warranted when the emotional tension remains so strong that rational communication is not possible.  Also if the possibility remains strong that the affair could continue or reignite, separation is necessary.  The offended spouse deserves to know that the illicit relationship is over before taking the risk to try rebuilding trust.

·         The offended partner may feel that letting the spouse leave the house will be met by more secrecy, and that indeed is possible.  Yet if cohabitation yields chronic anger and deepening bitterness, it is not good to let such behavior continue. 

·         Also, some mates simply are not emotionally wired to handle the news of an affair, and in that case, separation may be necessary so the question of divorce or reconciliation can be sifted out.

·         To the offended spouse:  How do you feel about letting your spouse stay in the house as opposed to separating?

·         What would be accomplished by a separation? 

·         What could be accomplished by not separating?

·         To the offending spouse:  How do you feel about the possibility of separating?  Even if you are opposed, how might your cooperation with your spouse’s counter-desires be construed as a good thing?

·         To both spouses:  What is the best that can come of your efforts to reconcile?

·         What are you willing to do to insure that the fullest efforts will be made to turn your problems into true growth?

·         As you continue the reconciliation process, there will be numerous factors to be confronted.  You will need to put your marriage under a strong microscope for the purpose of determining what needs to be different.  For instance, you will need to examine issues like conflict management, communication skills, restoring sexual compatibility, confronting insecurities, and more. 

·         Be willing to seek counseling if there are good options available to you, and be willing to continue with the next sections of this seminar as you walk through this educational process.